Shadow Of A Doubt
by CodyRhodesFan
Summary: Phil had always been known as "insane" because he believes that his shadow speaks to him? Add in a sick Jeff Hardy and a bit of angst and you got a perfect Junk fic! Written for Jack and Kamz.
1. Phil's Shadow

**For JackJack, the mouse, meh and Kassy's first son, the dude that's girlier than his father. And Kamzeh and also, Aree. And no, mah husband, the love of mah life, Phil does not top, mostly 'cause Jack didn't want him to top and the other half because I don't like making him top…**_**TWEETY**_**. **

**Anyways…yesh, this is kinda weird 'cause…this idea I've had a VERY BERRY long time ago. XD. Like ridiculously long time ago…I don't even remember a DATE but I just found it today when I'm looking for Junk ideas for the bald-Phil thing and the Jack thing. XD. I'm also doing Areesha's request where she wanted Phil/Punk action. -_- Which is ridiculous but hey, it works HERE so…yesh. XD.**

**Also, if you know meh, sometimes my plots can be INTENSE. Especially if it's labeled '**_**SUPERNATURAL'**_**. XD. **

Shadow of a Doubt  
Rated: +18  
Summary: Phil had always been known as "insane" because he believes that his shadow speaks to him? Add in a sick Jeff Hardy and a bit of fluff and you got a perfect Junk fic!  
Genre: Supernatural/Angst

_Chapter One_

_:. Phil's Shadow :._

**Phil's POV**

_He's watching me again…_

_Breathing in the cold mirror…the fog that escaped his breath onto the mirror, and his words write against my mirror…_

_**Take it off. All of it.**_

_No escape._

_The suffocation resides…oh God._

I hated doing this routine of ours.

I had no control over anything, no control out of the blood that circulated around my body, no control of how fast my heart pumped, no control of the thoughts that entered my bed, no, I was just a victim of my own shadow's wants and needs and preferences. I called my shadow Punk and my name, my name was Phil.

My shadow had complete control over my body. Complete control of everything and sometimes, my thoughts as well. And now, he was telling me to take off my hair. All of it. To make myself bald.

To anyone else, this would've seemed crazy.

To me, it seemed crazy.

But no…it also seemed so natural to have a shadow that controlled every bit of your body. Every inch of you and nobody knew. Nobody would've believed me. That night, as I lay, cradling a rabbit toy, clutching it as hard as I could've…sweat slinking down my back and my head spinning. I was in pain. My shadow spoke to me. _"Take it off. All of it. Or else, the pain will get worse, Silly Philly…"_

I tried to move but the pain just ripped through my every core…and I knew if I didn't move, it would only be unbearable that morning and I had to go to school. I stood up and walked towards the mirror…where I could feel myself suffocating…I had to do this now or else, I'd be killed by the time I wake up that morning. The oxygen levels were low and I grabbed onto a razor, I didn't care how ridiculous it seemed and a scissor in my other hand. I did what Punk told me to do, to take it all off…and I was left, looking hideous. As if I had been beautiful before…but now, even looking at the mirror made me feel nauseous and my stomach tightened as I heard the sound of someone knocking at the door.

"Philip! Are you not asleep yet?"

"I will in a minute, Mom." I looked at the watch in my hand. _1:30_. My head was pounding. My father was going to slay me tomorrow. He was so loving and caring…when he wasn't drunk. If he knew about half the stuff he did to me when he was drunk, he would've shot himself. I wasn't joking. When he wasn't drunk, even having a cold made him so fucking overprotective of me, as if I was dying…and if he knew how much he hurt me when he was drunk…then it'll make all the more difference.

Of course, my Mother knew about it as well. But she convinced me that it'll be better soon. I turned on the water, allowing the water to rub off on the blood that was pouring out of my forehead, releasing from the cuts…they didn't hurt until I noticed their existence then I slid on a black beanie, trying to forget how horrible I looked like right now as I slipped underneath the covers of my bed but I couldn't sleep. My shadow regulated my system again but how long until it stroke again?

I wanted to cry. I really did…but I didn't control my body at all. I just crawled underneath my body, feeling to the soft beat of my heart as it regulated and I could control every inch of my body again and then the tears started to cascade down my eyes…and somehow, the night cradled me to sleep.

_:.:.:.:.:.:. So close, no matter how far :.:.:.:.:.:._

I never had a dream in my life.

I always wanted to have one. It was somehow of a wish. My shadow didn't even let me dream. How pathetic was that? I longed for some sort of happiness, some sort of salvation, something… and I sat down on the breakfast table, biting into my sandwich, the food barely edible since I knew that my Mother had to have sex with my…overexcited Father yesterday and so, in result, she was extremely tired and the food wasn't cooked properly. She was in her satin pink robe, her blue nightgown showing, and even if it wasn't something very appropriate for my Mother to wear in front of her son, I gave her props for having the energy to make me breakfast.

My Father walked downstairs and hugged her. "Darling," he kissed her cheek, 'are you tired?"

I just hoped he was like this all the time. That he'd stop the drinking. I didn't want my children to suffer as much as I did. I was, and always going to be, straight edge…and he embraced me for a minute before he looked at me. "You don't wear hats."

I bit down my lower lip. "…it's cold outside."

"It's more than 90 degrees outside."

I grabbed onto my hat as if I was protecting it and then my Father just sighed at me. "What did you do to your hair, Philip?"

"Nothing." I snapped at him, grabbing onto my bag and running out the door and I was just happy that I was late for school, so I had an excuse for rushing off so quickly and then I pumped into another body on the way, a black figure stepped back and I saw that it was Matt Hardy.

"…where you heading off too?" I asked. He was heading in an opposite direction and Matt sighed softly.

"My brother's at the hospital…he fainted."

My eyes widened. Jeffery fainted? Oh Lord. I was just about to say something else but he was pleading for me to get away. "Can…can I come?" he looked uncertain for a moment and I knew exactly why.

I was Phil, the insane child who believed his shadow talked to him. I was isolated from the world but in the end, Matt was in such a hurry that he agreed. I didn't mind skipping school. I was so invisible and so…known for being a psychopathic soul that even the teachers didn't notice me or either were too scared to acknowledge my existence. Skipping school would be a relief for them and the rest of the student body. They all believed that I was a schizophrenic but my shadow did talk to me—just nobody believed me.

Matt stopped by a house for a moment and then, came out Shannon Moore, who was known for being a volleyball champion, in his short shorts and his tank top and his brilliant smile and I wanted him dead. Fuck him…he was so perfect, with his perfect smile and his perfect heart and his charity ridden soul. God. It was almost perfect. He was no cheerleader, no, that was clearly Jeff. But Shannon promised to fill in his spot if Jeff dropped out and I could imagine Shannon twirling around with his skirt flying up—slut.

Shannon pressed his lips to Matt's for a moment but Matt pushed him off and looked over at Shannon who was pouting. "Shanny, I'm sorry." Matt was in such a distress tone of voice. "But…"

"What happened?"

"Jeff fainted."

That brought shock to Shannon's face, all color was drained from his face and I found myself wanting to hug the child.

"…what about Constance?"

Constance was Shannon and Matt's one year old baby. In truth, they were in high school, but still had the baby. Constance was pale, with green eyes and black haired, her hair being incredibly curly and Shannon dressed her up in a ton of green and blue, sometimes yellow but nothing else. "Bring her over." Matt was begging now, cajoling with those liquid brown eyes of his.

Shannon nodded and went to go get Constance and I finally looked at her, no pictures…so beautiful in real life, cradled in Shannon's arms, so…peaceful and at rest. Her eyes shut tight and she waved her arms around freely at the sight of Matt who just looked at Shannon and pressed his lips towards his own for a moment. "I'm sorry." Matt said.

Shannon nodded, before making Matt hold Constance for a moment while Shannon went to get his stuff, a huge oversized blue bag that carried all of Constance's necessities. Shannon lived with his mother, who didn't even know that the baby that Shannon was taking care of was truly Shannon's own. He'd tried to convince her multiple times that he was babysitting for extra money…when in truth, he had to take care of her. He was stuck with her but he loved her with every inch of his heart.

Constance stared at Matt as Matt led Shannon and me towards the hospital and every step seemed to take eternity as Matt pushed through a final door and stepped to where Jeff was sleeping. He seemed so peaceful, so at rest. The second his eyes opened, a smile crept towards his face as Shannon took Constance from Matt and Matt ran towards his brother, embracing him as tight as ever. "It's gonna be okay, Jeffy…"

Jeff laughed, some sort of melodic laugh that filled my heart with emptiness as Jeff shook his head. "No, big brother, I'm sick."

Matt just stared at Jeff, so strong, so unbreakable…as Jeff curved his lips into a sadder smile but it was still, nonetheless, a smile. "I'm dying, Matty."

That was what made Matt's head spin as he sat down. He looked so dizzy. So scared. So…horrified as he stared at Jeff. "No, no, no, you're lying to me…" Matt seemed to break down harder than Jeff, even if Jeff was the one who was sick and Shannon was sitting down, holding Constance with all his life, tears threatening to fall from Shannon's eyes. And I was standing there, not a clue of what to do, or what to say…just listening to it, watching it like a scene, happening in front of me.

Matt was staring at me. "You know about sicknesses, you explain it to him! You're alive, aren't you? You psychopathic bad luck charm—"

"Matty!" Jeff exclaimed, pouting now and glaring at him. "It's not Phil's fault. He didn't do anything! Besides, he's got a mental issue…" that made my heart sink. Even Jeff thought I had some sort of mental issue but no, I had nothing. I was fine. I had nothing at all wrong with me…

"I have cancer."

That was what made Matt's eyes swell up with tears but he tried to hold them back so badly.

"…how long?"

"Three months. No cure. It's…it's got a three percent chance of survival." Jeff shrugged as if he was telling him an irrelevant story. It scared me so bad, and it scared Shannon as well and Matt…that someone so frail, so fragile-looking, can be so strong on the inside. "I'm gonna do chemo and it's gonna be a lot of pain but hey, if children can go through this, why can't I?"

"Jeff, you're only fourteen years old. You are a child."

"And ten year olds went through it. Nine year olds. Hell, some people who had suffered so bad throughout their lives went through this…when they told me, I wasn't sad or anything, Matty. I thought I'd be scared but…I'm just happy to be alive right now. And that's all that matters and if you start crying around and grieving until the day I die, it won't accomplish anything. I wanna face this head on. I'm not scared. And you shouldn't be either." Jeff let a warm smile to find its way to his lips.

He made it so easily, to be lying down on that bed, knowing that he only had three months to live… I sat down beside Matt on a plastic chair as Shannon edged forward and gave Jeff Constance, letting Jeff hold her…and stroke her hair. Shannon talked normally to Jeff, as if they weren't on a hospital bed, just gossiping randomly about what did what and who did who.

It just made me feel so…pathetic.

If Jeff was dying and he could handle it so well, then why couldn't I handle the fact that my shadow talked to me? That Punk controlled me? I watched Jeff move his hands and giggle and laugh…he was free and I was trapped. But still…I may be trapped but I was going to be alive…or was I not? Shannon talked about giving up college for Constance and Matt just stared at Constance as if he was expecting her to tell him that he was being crazy.

Constance was clapping her hands and she punched Jeff's chest with her tiny fist. Jeff laughed before kissing her forehead and Shannon ran out of the room to throw up and come back. "He's not having Constance V2, is he?" Jeff asked.

"No. A stomach flu." Matt sighed.

"…I'm gonna be fine, Matty."

"You're dying."

"Yes. And stop being a baby about it. I'm gonna be fine." Jeff kissed Matt's shoulder and pressed his head on Matt's shoulder, rocking himself back and forth. "Constance needs you. Shannon needs you more than I do. I'm not scared of dying…but I need you to be strong, not only for me, but for them as well! You see…Shannon is throwing away his entire future for Constance, he's throwing away his life…you know that Shannon could be homeless because of that. _And dying is easy. Living is hard_."

Matt sighed. "I can't believe you're teaching me this."

"I can't believe you're a jackass. Now go talk to Shannon…make out, fuck, whatever."

"You're fourteen!"

Jeff stuck his tongue out, 'and you're seventeen with a baby! And Shannon is thirteen years old…" Jeff reminded Matt. "I don't matter. I'm turning fifteen in two weeks."

"…think about it." Jeff sighed. "Shannon is dying over there…trying to take care of Constance and trying to practice volleyball and dating you and keeping it all a secret. He has more on his plate than I do. Dying is easy. Living is-"

"Hard." Matt finished off for him. "I know. You told me that already."

"You know the minute Shanny's Mommy realizes that Shannon had a baby, she'd throw him out of the house with no question. You better be there for Shanny when that happens 'cause she's not stupid. She'd notice…"

Matt nodded his head and then kissed Jeff's cheek. "Fine, baby brother. Sheesh. I'm the baby around here."

"…I have Constance's diapers if you need a change."

"Haha." Matt said dryly.

Shannon returned back into the room, giggling and then jumping up Jeff's cot. "…hey, Shan, Imma drive you home and Phil…?"

"I can go home." I simply said, grabbing onto my bag and swinging it past my shoulder and Jeff grabbed onto my hand and thanked for a moment before letting me go, sliding past Shannon and Matt, I found my way out. I came back home to an empty house and my mother leaving me a note saying where the food was but I wasn't hungry. The thought of death just lingered into my head as I slipped into my room, just lying onto my couch, just thinking.

Then, I was being awoken by my Mom and I felt my itcy hat get into the way so I pulled it off which caused her to shriek then I remembered my bald head. "PHIL! What did you do to your hair?"

I was going to say something but I heard Punk laugh and my heart beat thud harder as the dark spots clogged my eyes and pain rippled through my spine and…I let out a horrid scream. I hated screaming at the pain but now…I had no other choice. It throbbed and ached and tortured me…

And I found my Mother's arms around me as she stroke my face. "Oh Lord."

"…Philip!" my Father was there, shocked and horrified.

The next time I woke up, I found myself sitting beside Jeff, in a hospital bed, being checked for cancer but later on, I found out there was no cancer. Just the shadow messing with me but I knew that if Punk wanted me to get infected, I would've…and I felt so sick and tired. They wanted to keep me there and try to find out more about what happened to me. Now, Gilbert was there, stroking Jeff's hair and trying to cajole the calm Jeff and my parents had to go home…so I was alone, just me and Punk.

I hated it.

_:.:.:.:.:.:. …and nothing else matters :.:.:.:.:.:._

**The song is **_**Nothing Else Matters**_**…by **_**Metallica**_**. X3.**

**I tried not to leave a hint of a pregnant Shannon but that was SO HARD. XD. I just caved in. XP. Anyways…yesh. This story is one made of mah sanity…which has no limits and wanted to break the boundaries.**

**Anyways…**

**Yesh.**

_**JackJack = there. XD. Sub!Phil with a ton of Junk and merci again for all the help! LOVE YA, SON.**_

_**Aree = LOVE YOU, MY DAUGHTER. XP. Anyways…yesh, Punkers will later on have one and one action with Phil. Just wait. -_- As much as I don't want to write it, I miss writing things for you. :3**_

_**Kamzeh = …um…the Junk fic. **__**XD. Well, he's bald, is he not? That's all that matters. XD. I don't know anything about your tastes yet…**_

**Kasseh **_***if reading this, I should've put Hardycest in the summary. XP. Well, Jeff's there***_** = …I will not make Punkers top. XP. Even if Jeffy is so in the possession of a sub in this fic, with the cancer and the SUBBINESS, no. XD…nah, that will happen the day you write my lovely Shannon being a sub to your Jeffery. XP…if you write my lovely Shannon domming Jeffery, I will be temped to write Dani/Jeff…with Dani subbing. OH YEAH. I WENT THERE. XD. I LOVE YOU SO MUCH, BABE…I LOVE YOU MUCH! :3**

**X Sam. **


	2. Jeff's Eyes

**Hmm...I'm waiting for Kassy and uploading a chapter, such fun, XD. Hey, I didn't know that she liked Jeff subbing...not like I can do it with my Philly but I didn't, XD.**

_Chapter Two_

_.: Jeff's Eyes :._

I could never stop thinking about Jeffery Nero Hardy.

Matt visited as much as he could and Shannon was ignored. Whenever Matt was gone, Shannon would be here, holding Constance in his tiny hands and moaning to Jeff about Matt's carelessness for Shannon which had always stuck with him and Jeff just stared at Shannon, rarely speaking and always brushing a bit of blonde hair away from his face and they were so much like a picture ready to be painted.

Jeff's blonde/green haired tied back into a bun and his soft green eyes staring at Shannon as Shannon held onto Jeff's hand, the other one supporting Constance, who just kept on clapping and staring at them with spaced eyes. Jeff's eyes were blessed with delicacy that I have yet to upload and Shannon's face crumpled with beautiful pain. I never thought desolation could be so beautiful.

I had nobody visit me much. My eyes never left Jeff's body and the only time that I did move them away from Jeff was just to stare at the window, the soft blue sky taunting us, mocking us, telling us that we couldn't go out and before the visiting hours were over, Jeff's cheerleading buddies decided to stop over, Trish, Amy, Maryse, and Eve stood there, grinning and talking to him about their normal issues, just as Jeff told them too and they always touched his hair. It made me stare at the elegant scoop of his neck, the way his body curved, the way his soft eyes pulsed with adoration whenever anyone talked to him…he didn't want this to end but he accepted the fact that it would. Jeff told them about Shannon countless of times in an hour and they just went about.

Jeff then stared at me, that was when our eyes connected and there was some sort of blazing energy between us. I didn't know how to describe it but it was as if we were both hit by an orange blazing fire of wonderment and I could see his eyes, his eyes saw what I saw, felt what I felt and suddenly, we reared back into some sort of reality and he bit down at his powder pink lower lip.

"Jeff?" Amy asked, trying to pull him out of a trance.

Maryse squeezed Jeff's shoulder and he nodded off, holding his head into his hands and then he tucked a strand of green hair behind his ear. Jeff then grinned, 'time for your annual party, hmm?" Jeff tried to think of something to talk about and then Maryse grinned, nodding her head.

Then Jeff closed his eyes. "I'll be there. I don't care if it's just for an hour or so…" he shrugged, completely forgetting about the fact that he'd probably be better off on this bed, drowning onto painkillers and endless medication instead of being there, with Maryse's well known loud and ear-piercing parties but Jeff's face was determined and Maryse just embraced him.

She knew he was doing this for her. He wanted a taste of his former memories before he did die and he was almost certain that he was going to die. I was just afraid of the fearlessness that engulfed through his eyes, he was so calm, emotionless as he talked and gossiped and dished with them, as if they weren't even in a hospital room. It scared me so bad. I missed the feel of my hair against my face as I watched all this. Most of the time, there would be hair tickling against my face but there was nothing there…I just hoped my hair would grow fast. I never chopped my hair before so I didn't know how long it would take for my hair to grow back and cover my head. I still wore that obscene cap and I sat up right as the girls left and then, there was just me and Jeff.

The minute they left, Jeff just said it. "You have the most beautiful eyes I've ever seen."

My heart melted, poured and Jeff just looked at me again, and he stood up, grabbing onto his bandana and pulling it into his head. He went to go shut the door and the darkness was silence enough as he walked towards me, his soft green eyes glittering and he was just staring at me, right into my eyes. His hands touched my face and he leaned down. The heat beating off his flesh from a fever he broke out into and he stared at me, stared at the deepest core of my eyes and I stared at his.

It was like being laced around an orange energy that pulled us both together, closer and closer, almost as if our two hearts were aching to reach and I could feel his heart beat, steadily, then louder and louder as his breaths got shorter and shorter and the orange energy blazed and he jumped up. "How'd you do that?" he could feel it, his eyes widening as his body shook with confusion and terror. "How'd you do that? With your eyes…? How…almost as if something was…something pulling me towards you…something orange…" Jeff was confused, his hair spilled over his bandana and his confusion was beautiful.

Everything about him was simply beautiful.

So delicate and frail yet so strong on the inside. He wasn't afraid of death or cancer but he was freaked because he could feel the connection that pulled us together, laced us with something…and it felt imaginary at once as well. I just grabbed onto Jeff's hand and pulled him close so that I stared into those confused pools of green and I just stared at those eyes, the energy just got hotter and hotter, as his hands touched my shoulder to try and steady himself. He was about to fall.

I was moving, trying to stand up and his body shook and he held onto me, looking up and down and then he just stopped to stare at me, with earnest eyes. "…how?" Jeff asked, 'how'd you do that?"

Jeff shook his eyes. "How'd you get into this hospital, Phil? Why are you here?" he was still shaking and his voice was trembling and I just made him lose control of his emotions.

"I think I fainted. All I could remember was feeling like I was going to explode. Nothing tests for me." I simply said and Jeff didn't say a word and he stood shaking. He was just staring at me, trying to encode the mystery that bothered him so bad, that rocked him and made him feel like exploding. The orange energy was still around us, just snapped onto us and made us feel spineless, as if we were going to fall any moment and that was why Jeff still tried to use me as a support so if he did trip, I'd catch him or fall with him. "But that doesn't matter because I'm crazy."

Jeff gasped and turned around, and I knew what he was feeling. He was feeling as if I was snapping but the orange energy was pulling us near and he turned around, shaking once more, he reached out a hand to touch my face and he stroked it, trying to see if I would respond. A fourteen year old cancer patient and a thirteen year old broken child, touching, feeling, being.

Jeff pulled his hand away, as if just realizing that it was safe to be around me and then in a blink of a moment, he turned around and sat down onto the cot, staring up at me and I could tell by that look that he trusted me. He patted out onto the hospital bed and I wondered why and then I heard the sound of the thunder hitting and my entire body jumped at him and he was holding onto me as if he'd kept his arms open for me all along. His hand was rubbing across my back and his hand supporting my hip and I pressed my head against his chest.

"So this is what it feels like to have a little brother?" Jeff giggled, as he drew me in closer and I could inhale his scent right now. He smelled so…so like his eyes, a washed green leaf, burning bright into the mountain dew…and he smelled so beautiful. He was so beautiful, so alive. And his flesh was so feverish and his body moved so gracefully and I was so into his being…I loved how his soul felt like, touching mine. Jeff just stared at me and for some reason, I was pressing myself against the wall and Jeff was beside me, holding onto my hand and we both stared at each other. On his cot, I felt like I was on a cloud, and being with him and this orange energy…it moved me on the inside. The shadow was gone for some reason, the shadow didn't bother us and he stared at me.

"What are you doing, Phil?" Jeff said once more. "The…the orange thing…the feeling of flying…almost like flying…like I'm never gonna be alone…what is it?"

It did feel like we were never gonna be alone. I turned towards him and I shook my head. "I'm not doing anything," and I wasn't. It was like being laced and entwined into his heart and for some reason, I just stared at him. "How'd you know I was scared of storms?"

The way he patted across his hospital bed, as if saying that I'd be filling the space a moment later and I was. Jeff just looked down at the floor, grabbing onto the hem of his blue-green hospital nightgown and then looked back at me once more. "I don't know. I really don't." Jeff bit down his lower lip. "It was almost as if it just clicked into my head when I saw some rain falling. I knew a storm was coming and somehow, I could just imagine you onto the floor, with your black hair in front of your face, cowering in fear as the thunder struck…"

My eyes were wide. How'd he known that? That wasn't just a vision, it was a memory. I'd always just be on the floor, with my used to be hair in front of my face, in fear and confusion, waiting for my drunk father to hold me or for some sort of security to wrap around my body. But nothing came and I was left alone once more, with nothing there to help me…nothing there to save me from this endless choking pain that seemed to destroy me and with every pang of thunder, I felt like eating my heart out.

Now, with Jeff, all of that just didn't seem to matter. Nothing at all, just us mattered, just us being alive, being able to touch each other's thoughts with just a flick of staring into each other's eyes. I closed my eyes and laid my head back and I heard Jeff speak, "What am I thinking of?"

Suddenly, a flash of a birthday came into my head as Shannon, our birthday boy, just took Jeff into a embrace of tightness and the happiness that was covering his face was so astounding as he ran over to Matt, who just twirled him around, both of them staring into each other's eyes and then Matt stroked Shannon's hair and told him he had to go before he truly left and the pain that was in Shannon's face, the tears that were threatening to fall as he ran back outside into his room and then it flashed once more and I could see Jeff walking towards Shannon, sitting beside the miserable child and he didn't say anything. They didn't need to. Shannon just stared at the floor with his stomach wrenching and his body breaking and then the first and only sentence fell out of Shannon's mouth_, "He didn't even say goodbye."_

The image was so vivid. It was almost as if I was there too and I felt Jeff's sorrow and pain over his friend as he held him that night and I didn't realize I was saying what I was seeing until Jeff's eyes widened at me and then he closed his eyes, and laid back, trying to get into the same position I was. "And what am I thinking of?"

"You…?" Jeff started then was silent for a moment. "A little boy whose running towards a lake…a little boy…"

But I couldn't remember that. It wasn't even in my mind. Nothing was but Jeff kept going on. "He felt something behind him but he couldn't really hear a thing and then his man pounced on him. The kid had a black bob for hair and it fell on his face as he breathed…his breaths were short and he looked terrified beyond belief. The man was holding some sort of a potion and said a few words. He made the little boy drink it and the boy just fell into the lake…and then he's on dry land again, choking on water and he looks around and sees that there's a shadow and nothing else…the shadow says _'you owe me'_ in the child's head."

Jeff was confused but he felt the reality of it. I could never remember how I had a shadow. I grew up with it and Jeff fluttered his eyes open as he stared at me. "Is that right?"

I was just simply shocked and unnerved. "You tapped into one of my oldest memories. I didn't even think of it."

Jeff was nodded his head but I knew he still thought I was insane and I made up that story when I was around that age, five or six. But I hadn't. It was as real as I was. I closed my eyes and Jeff just stared at me as I spoke out to him. "I see that Matt's holding onto a knife and stabbing Shannon…over and over again and then he turns to you and does the same…just relentlessly stabbing and stabbing the knife over and over again and the blood pools and everything's surreal and you're somehow in a park instead of your house and then some sort of necklace falls."

"That was a dream." Jeff said, horrified, holding onto his face. And I stared at him and he stared back at me and he was confused and I was confused and then his hands met mine and we held onto each other's hands for a long time and he looked down, shaking his head. "Am I going insane?" but he felt like he wasn't. He felt so calm…I could sense his calmness and then he stared back at me and serenity burned through his eyes again. "You know me."

Jeff giggled. "Someone actually knows me."

"I felt the same way before," Jeff whispered. "When I looked at you in Grade 1, you looked over at the girls and they all had pretty little pink ribbons in their hairs so you just grabbed onto one of the pink ribbons. I could remember they glittered with fake red gems and you put them into your hair, grinning on as they laughed about you and I felt Matt talk about how stupid that was and then you looked over at me…and…there was this orange energy…I saw…I swore into my heart that you were the most beautiful thing I've ever seen."

I felt myself flush. The shadow had also told me to look as pretty as they were. I turned around and stared into his eyes and then he just shook his head, holding onto his head. "Sorry, Phil, I'm just c-confused…" Jeff whispered, shutting his eyes tightly. "I…I'd like to go to bed now."

But the minute I left his bed, all the sorrow of the world pushed up against me and I felt like dying all over again and I felt so empty as I sat onto the bed, just feeling sick, just feeling so distant and away from the world, so detached and broken and then my eyes saw Jeff in his sleep, so peaceful and beautiful. And somehow, in my heart, I knew everything was going to be fine for now.

**For now.**

**Key word is for now. XD.**

**=3**

**X Sam.**


	3. Jeff's Search

**Like I said...writing mood. XD! I actually had this ready beforeee...**

* * *

_Chapter Three_

_.: Jeff's Search :._

* * *

I didn't know what woke me up so early.

My brain didn't work until after twelve noon but I had woken up at six, watching as Jeff paced around the room, the minute I talked, Jeff jumped up in hesitation and fell onto the floor, looking at me with those soft green eyes, horrified but then his heart melted and the fear was gone as he stood up once more and I closed my eyes and leaned back. "A search?" the information processed within me.

"A search for some sort of necklace. The same necklace that was in your Matt stabbing you and Shanny nightmare. It fell and shone bright and you're sure that it's in a park somewhere but you aren't sure if you should go when you can be visited at any time…" I said and his eyes widened before he nodded. Jeff and I weren't used to reading each other's thoughts like that but it was just a strong connection we had. I didn't know why it was him but nobody else. "I'll go with you so when we both look, we can find it faster and come back…besides, I think only one park here has a red slide instead of blue, green or yellow."

Jeff grinned at me. "You'd do that for me?"

"They're gonna put me into a mental ward." I overheard my parents talking yesterday and they tried to explain my behavior and all and Jeff's smile just dropped and I just knew from the way his eyes were fixated on me that he wasn't going to step into the mental ward and he wasn't sure if he should miss me or not. He was still confused about this 'brotherhood' we had, this blood-type thing that bonded us together…

We walked outside and the minute the soft wind hit Jeff's hair and the sunlight beamed across his face, he was grinning. He was happy at the nature around him and twirled around and I had to grab onto his hand, watching him fall into a chortle of laughter. He was so alive, so weightless as he twirled me around and pulled me with his hand in all enthusiasm towards the nearby park. We didn't care that we were in hospital gowns and we didn't care about the stares we'd gotten…he made me feel this jolt of the orange energy, every two seconds, the thing that made us feel weightless, as if we were flying and diving across the sky, free from everything, as if we were caged before…and then he reached the park and his hips swayed so effortlessly as he scrambled to his feet, looking around the grass, just seeing the pulping green color bathe across and I fell down towards him, trying to look for the golden color near the red slide.

"Thanks," Jeff said, blinking. "Not many people would probably let a cancer patient slip outta their sight. But then again…"

Jeff stopped himself.

I knew what he was going to say. But then again, not all of them are mental patients either and then silence roamed until I spoke again. "Why do you think I have a mental disorder?" and that made Jeff's heart jolt, I could feel it as our eyes met and the electrical orange energy made us melt into each other's eyes, just being touched by his soul and then he just said in the softest voice ever.

"You're always so alone, so…different. You've just got this type of insanity…when you talked about shadows and you kept on looking at other people's shadows, almost as if you're sad. You'd walk around, looking sad and holding your head away from everyone and when people ask you something, sometimes you'd just say something out of the topic. They could be talking about traveling and you'd just say something about cheese and have a straight-face. I've never seen you happy, and I've never seen you anything but sad and having that straight-face on. You'd tell people about having a shadow that controls you…that makes you do stupid things and…it makes me feel as if your head's screwed up." Jeff was sorry. I could tell by the tone of voice he used. But I did want an answer to the question.

"Isn't it insane that you know my thoughts just by closing your eyes and seeing them? Isn't it insane that you can feel the orange energy that I'm feeling? Isn't it insane that you're so calm towards your own death?" And that was when Jeff stared at me and I stared at him and there was nothing, not even the energy, just nothing, no world, just us and our hands just seemed to meet and then I stared down at our hands. My hand cupped a handful of soil and grass and there was this sort of golden cord shining and gleaming and Jeff reached in for it, pulling off the necklace.

"There." Jeff said, then his eyes were fearful. "Do you think Matt will ever stab me or Shannon…or even you?"

Jeff could remember the way he snapped on me at the hospital on the first day. He thought that since the necklace was real then so had the dream or was it some sort of foreboding dream for what was yet to come, some sort of darkness that was yet to show itself. Maybe there was just something more than orange energy and Punk, maybe my shadow had a reason for being here…maybe we were both meant to be punished by the hands of demonic souls…maybe they were leaving us these clues as some sort of game to get out of there and as I realized my thoughts, I realized how insane it was.

Jeff just stared around the green grass, leaning back and playing with the golden locket, not wanting to be sad about nothing. Then there was some sort of key that fell, tiny and gold, and he held it into his hands, but had given it to me for some reason. "Something's telling me that I should give it to you, I don't know why," Jeff said, his voice was soft. "I think it's because I always lose small things…"

Jeff stared at the necklace then he said his thoughts before I pried in them. "Matt and I used to come here all the time. When we were kids, I mean. He loved this place. This right here, the place we're lying in as our favorite place. We used to go around bury stuff at the night and then tell each other to try and find it…I don't know why he'd bury a necklace of all things into the ground and how I saw it in a dream but I did…and I think I might get worked up over nothing but I feel like there's something…" then he stopped talking about the necklace and started talking about Matt again.

"I miss my Matt. The one that'll hold up Shannon into his arms and twirl him around when he won against me. He used to push Shannon and I on that swing over there. He'd have Shanny on my lap and we'd switch every few minutes and he'd push, claiming on how tough he is that he can handle both of us together. I could remember that once in mid-flight, just as we were reaching a high point at the swing, he left us there to go to Adam and steal ice cream from him and we fell over on top of each other. I loved Shannon's happiness. I loved the sun. The little white tanks we used to wear and those adorable little blue shorts…I loved that."

Then Jeff stared at me, holding up my hand and pulling me upwards, 'come on."

He pulled me towards the swing set and let me sit down and almost instantly, he pushed me. We saw little kids watching us but we didn't care and Jeff was trying to reminisce, the sun, the sky, the air, the feel of the happiness that bubbled against our bodies. He was laughing, that childish laugh that I heard over and over again while we'd grown up but I never heard it so loud, with him beside me as he kept pushing me, trying to reach higher and higher all the time.

"Fly, Philly! Fly!"

He made me feel like I was a child and my broken childhood didn't matter anymore because I was six again and I was flying with Jeffery Nero Hardy, the boy who walked around with Barbie dolls and cute little ponytails all the time. Summer was nearing so the sunlight was covering us with its strength and love and we were filled with warm and I was touched by shadows, white shadows of the light, ready to take me higher with Jeff. I didn't know why the orange energy was there and why I felt so happy…but I took it all in and I loved being with him.

He left to go towards an ice cream cart nearby as he foretold into his story and came back with a cup of vanilla ice cream, wanting to push me higher upwards but instead, I slammed him backwards and he fell onto the floor, the white cold liquid was covering Jeff's face, and I stared at him, grinning. "Hey, I didn't get refreshed." I grinned at him, because it was one of those hot days where a glass of lemonade filled with ice cubes seemed like a fantasy and Jeff slid the liquid-solid off his face and jumped on top of me, holding my face so I could feel the pleasant coldness of his hands.

"…wait, I remember, I paid for that."

"So lick it off."

Jeff seemed hesitant for a moment and then allowed his tongue to lick my cheek, which was smothered with white liquid falling and then I pushed him off, laughing. "I meant off your own face."

I licked his nose back as some sort of revenge and he stared at me, leaning down to lick my cheek again and licking it off. He turned towards my forehead and I pulled him off, laughing at him. "Stop licking me!"

"But God, you taste so good." Jeff groaned, crossing his arms around his chest. "Okay, I'll let you lick it off my face."

I grinned at the invitation and walked over towards him and licked his face. Since nobody had come yet, it was fine to be around. There wasn't anyone else in sight. This park was old and people rarely visited and if they were to visit, it would be at night. It was somewhat enjoyable, licking off the liquid off his heated face, the feverish skin was boiling at the intensity of the sunlight but Jeff didn't care. He then pushed me off. "I finally realize what you feel!" Jeff chuckled.

"Hey!" I exclaimed, crossing my arms around my chest and he offered me a beaming smile. I stood up and he pushed me up. "Come on, I didn't show you what else we did…"

"You licked ice cream off Shannon's face?"

"No, Matt did that once but it wasn't ice cream. It was chocolate. You should see Shannon and melted chocolate and then I joined in so yeah…I licked stuff off his face and as revenge, he made me and Matt coat our faces with melted chocolate and lick each other so I am experienced in the art of licking."

"…when was that?"

"The chocolate-licking thing? Last week!" Jeff laughed, grinning. "I was made to lick stuff off people's faces. Can that be a profession? Like… chocolate licker? I'm sure my father would be proud_. 'My son's a Pilot!' 'My son's a Doctor!' 'My son licks chocolate off people's faces!_"

"That's gotta be one fat son." I responded, walking alongside Jeff towards the see-saw, sitting on one end and with me sat on the other. Jeff stared at me, high up into the air and before I can heighten himself up and Jeff down, Jeff let out a chortle of laughter. "Phil, I can see your underwear! It's like green!"

I stared down at my hospital gown, the green fabric peeking out from underneath and a flush covered my face and Jeff's eyes widened. "We should so do that! Go skinny-dipping! Now!"

Jeff jumped up in mid-air, causing me to follow him as Jeff led them through some bushes and into a large lake, where Jeff shed his hospital gown so that he stood in red panties, adorned with tiny hearts in different colors of purple, yellow, and pink and waving his hands up, pulling my hospital gown up and undressing me and staring at my green ones.

"Oh cute! They have ducks on them!" Jeff grinned, "I want one!"

"This is so humiliating." I said, as Jeff slipped into the cold water and then in the water, undressed the only article of clothing he had left, tossing his underwear towards his hospital gown. Jeff stared up at me, who was sighing as I slipped into the water and stripped out of my underwear, also tossing it away so that we were both bare and only inches apart from each other.

Jeff giggled and dunk into the water, and in seconds, I felt Jeff pull me towards the water's end and he pulled himself upwards and I was lost for moments before I reached the surface and there Jeff was dressed into his clothing again. "You change fast."

"It's just sliding a dress and underwear on."

Then my eyes met Jeff's underwear. "You're wearing mine?"

Jeff grinned before nodding his head and showing me, pulling his hospital gown upwards and I pushed him off playfully. I grabbed onto his underwear and wore it, realizing that it was a bit tighter then I was used to and I got out, walking towards my own hospital gown and wearing it.

"We should be heading back," I said.

Then Jeff stared at me straight into the eyes and shook his head. "Phil, we can go anywhere…please…j-just…" Jeff bit down his lower lip, "I don't wanna go back to a hospital. Hell, if I'm dying, at least let me die into a real bed and a real room, with colors and things on tables and…" Jeff whispered, his voice soft.

"I miss the colors," Jeff told me. "I miss waking up to my red walls and my drawings hung up, from when I was four until now…I miss seeing my clothes spilling all over the floor and a sandwich I didn't finish last night right beside me. I miss things that don't even make sense, you know?"

I nodded towards him. "Come on, we can go to my home…I can tell my parents that they can go fuck off before sending me to some mental ward. 80 percent chance they're both in a hotel room fucking right now, come on…let's go."

That stunned Jeff but he nodded his head and followed me towards my house. When we got there, he instantly called Shannon, punching in the numbers in seconds and correctly and then grinning when he got a response. "Shanny! God, I miss you! I'm at Phil's house…you know? The one beside your Mother's salon?" they talked yesterday but I could see how tight they were so it might've felt like a while for Jeff. He sat down onto my couch, sprawled out onto it.

"Volleyball practice? Oh…okay…I'll call you later."

Jeff closed the phone and held his head in his hands. "His Mother left him with one of her best friends again."

"Did he tell you that?" I asked because their conversation was short and I didn't get how he could instantly know and I sat down beside him.

"If his Mother was there, then I'd hear her…she'd kinda chatbox. She doesn't stop talking." Jeff rolled his eyes, 'and there'd be Oprah on or Dr. Phil or something stupid…she has the stuff taped so she watches it over and over and over…but no, nothing. It's silent of that stuff but Constance was screaming. I'm guessing that his Mother isn't there and she left him with one of her friends. Mostly Frankie. She does that a lot so I'm not surprised. They just sit down and gossip over stuff…"

He just sat around and flipped through channels and had a nap. And I sat beside him and somewhere, in the middle of a cheap horror movie, Jeff heard the door knock and he pulled off the bowl of half-eaten popcorn and moved towards the door, waiting to see my parents but instead was faced with the tear-stained face of Shannon Moore. "Shanny…?"

"I'm pregnant again."

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**Shush. XD. That's not only for my amusement. There is something Imma twist with that. ;D I should know! I already wrote that bit! XD!**

**X Sam.**


	4. Shannon's Conundrum

**He's not impregnated for long...well, you'll see later. XD. This is teh only fic I wrote ahead so I KNOW. X3.**

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_Chapter Four_

_.: Shannon's Conundrum :._

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"Again? Shannon…" Jeff's voice was weak and bleak. I just stood there, staring as Shannon held onto Jeff, grabbing onto Jeff's shoulders. "Shannon, Constance is a year old…you can't take care of two babies…you have to get an abortion. You can barely handle Constance all on your own. Where is she?"

"I dropped her off at Matt's. I didn't tell him why. I just said I had to go."

"You said that was just a flu…"

"I was sick and I was pregnant," Shannon realized. "Damn that female-male thing. God. I wanna roll under a ditch and die. How am I gonna handle Constance V2? …um…Jeff, I can't abort. I'm not the type to abort. I was almost an abortion. I don't wanna think about aborting my baby."

Shannon then stared up at me and I stared back at him and almost recklessly, he looked away. "…foster care? I think I might do that but I need to go through nine months without my Mother figuring out. I could do it last time 'cause she was traveling before it even showed I was pregnant but…now, she isn't traveling and I'm sure that she'd notice a baby belly, Jeffy. Help me."

"Stay over here," I didn't know why I said it. "Just stay here and me and Jeff will take care of you."

Shannon nodded his head and Jeff was just about to embrace me for it but then he looked over at Shannon, 'you gotta tell Matt sooner or later."

Shannon nodded. "I know." His voice was broken and soft. "I don't wanna be kicked out, Jeff. I want Constance around me. I want this baby to be alive too…and I don't wanna get kicked out. We really used protection this time, Jeffy! I'm on pills. I forgot to take it just once…and the condom must've broke off…and God, Matt doesn't even care, why am I saying all this?" Shannon moved upstairs and looked down at me and Jeff. "Where do I go?"

"…upstairs. The first door to the left."

Shannon nodded his head and walked upstairs. He was probably tired and just as Jeff was about to go upstairs, the door cracked open and my Mother walked inside, stopping in an instant. "Philip, whose this?"

My Father followed her, slightly drunk but not enough to not care about the scene in front of him. "Hmm?"

"This is Jeff Hardy," I told, mostly to my Mother, "he's staying over here, trying to run from the hospital because he doesn't wanna be in a hospital when he dies. He has a type of cancer that has a three percent chance of survival so he figures that he's not gonna be part of that three percent and is hiding here with me. And Shannon, Jeff's friend, has a strict Mother that will kick him out in the streets if she ever found out that Shannon was pregnant…so he's upstairs."

"How's he pregnant?" My Mother's eyes widened.

Jeff bit down his lower lip. "He was born with female-male genes. Hell, his Mother is thinking of making him take steroids. He's too fragile and she hates the fact that her little boy is half-female. Volleyball makes her happy because it's a sport and Shannon is tired of trying to put up with her. She sent one of her friends today, Frankie, to take care of him and…can you please just call her and say you're here? She'll love blowing off money in whatever state she's at and not care about coming back to her son for a while now…"

My Mother nodded and looked over at me, "and Phil? Aren't you supposed to be in the hospital too? The Doctors didn't tell you that you should be placed in a mental ward…"

I just stared at them. "I swear…" I bit down my lower lip, 'I'd rather die than be in a mental ward, Mother."

Jeff just stared at me because he knew how my emotions were right now, strong and intense and the words I said were serious instead of 'I didn't wanna do this, okay?' and her eyes widened so she embraced me tightly and looked over at Jeff. "You can stay with Phil in his room. We only have one guest room."

I nodded my head, 'okay. Thank you."

Jeff nodded, "thank you so much. If by any chance a guy named Matt Hardy calls, don't tell him I'm here. He's my brother and he's so overprotective of me but I don't wanna be around that hospital anymore and he will drag me there…he just can't accept the fact that I'm dying and I can't believe that he doesn't see that Shannon needs him more than I do."

She nodded her head. "I'll go make you all something to eat. Phil, take Jeff to your room and give him some clothes."

I nodded my head and made Jeff follow me towards my room. My room was normal, had an orange wall, a green wall and two purple walls and I sat down onto my green bed. He just stared around and grinned at me, "colors." He said in pure bliss as he walked towards my desk and grabbed the bunch of plain printer paper from its packet and he grabbed onto my hand. "I feel inspired. Come draw with me."

He grabbed a packet of colors and I knew his intentions were childish and reckless. "Draw your favorite animal." Jeff told me.

He timed us for about three minutes and I drew with the rounded tip of the crayon the vision in my head and then Jeff showed me his. He pointed towards the lovely panther in his image. "It's so graceful and yet so dangerous…I love panthers."

I showed him my picture of a ladybug.

"Aww!" Jeff hugged me and saw the image in my head. "From that stupid children's book?" Jeff laughed and hugged me tighter and tighter. "God, you're so adorable, Philly! I love your thoughts! They just need a touch more color that's all!"

He closed his eyes. "Just image the most beautiful colorful and lovely image you can."

As if my mind just worked, it did produce an image but it was an image of Jeff, swiftly dancing against a lake, his beautiful body and then I made a panther jump onto him and tear him into pieces, laughing as I felt Jeff push me. "Hey! Bad Philly! But that's a colorful image in my head! I love the spaceship that's hovering up us in the background with the monkey from Kim Possible in it!"

I choked back a laugh. "Shut up!"

Then I shot him another image and Jeff's face was drained out of its color as it paled and he fluttered his eyes opened. "God! You little bitch! Me and Matt are not fucking in no dance studio! I'm not even a dancer! I'm a cheerleader!" (1)

"I wanna see you wear your cheerleading clothes," I purred, trying to be stupid and Jeff pushed me onto his bed, as he laughed and grabbed onto clothing from my drawer before he walked into the bathroom. Minutes later, he stepped out, him having to have pulled his hair back into a bun, wearing nothing but my blue rabbits underwear and a graphic shirt with a picture of Tom and Jerry on its centre. "Yay! I'm half-naked! Let's go out and scare Shanny!"

I stripped out of my clothes and I wore a shirt as well, watching as Jeff ran around my room and I tried to catch him, both of us landing onto his bed and soon enough, we dosed off to sleep, the orange energy calming us down, our souls intact, our bodies meaningless as our hearts touched one again and we were reunited and then…I heard the door open and my Mother, saying softly, "Jeff and Phil…our next generation."

My Father was right beside her and grinned. "He's dying."

"Maybe so but…" that was when I was dying out of tiredness and I wanted to hear them. What did they mean by me and Jeff being the next generation? Jeff was dying and I had a creepy shadow…and my shadow was silent…I just didn't understand why. In the middle of the night, I woke up and tore myself away from Jeff and felt the shadow speak to me again. "_The orange energy blocks me out…ever heard of love? It's shit."_

Love? My heart thudded. No…it can't be…

"Do me a favor and run outside towards the nearest café…"

I nodded my head and walked downstairs, outside into the street, with a thousand eyes staring at me as I slipped into the nearest café, which was really packed and people just stopped to talk and looked at me, fixated on me and my heart was beating but my body was moving and my shadow forced me to walk towards the counter and ask for a knife. I felt so humiliated, so useless, so ugly…the way people looked at me. He had given it to me in a second and I walked towards the bathroom, nobody was there and I slipped down towards the floor and the shadow forced me to allow the knife to slice through my wrist. This was it. The end for me.

I heard Jeff open the door and scream. "No! Philly!"

He ran towards me and held me tightly, tears spewing from his eyes, as he held onto me, and the knife just fell and the shadow was gone and the blood still fell and…and… "Phil," Jeff whispered towards me, his face broken and his eyes shattered. "God, Philly, why?"

"I'm crazy. It doesn't matter." I spat out and he was holding me so tight and so close to him and I realized that he ran out in his pajamas too. And he sat there, holding me as tight as he could've…at three in the morning, just stroking my face and hair and embracing me so tightly I felt like I'd choke. But the shadow was gone when Jeff was around…and when he wasn't, it was trying to kill me. When Jeff would die…I would too. My heart thudded louder and he held me tighter, kissing my forehead.

"Phil…" Jeff said in the softest way ever. "You're like my little brother…_why_?"

I didn't answer. I just fell into the darkness.

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**YAYYY~! UPDATE! LAPTOP! FOR ANOTHER...I don't know how many minutes, XD.**

**(1) Fucking in a _dance studio_…I wonder where I go THAT image in my head…XD. I don't know…does Kassy possibly know…? Yes? No? All of the above? XP.**

**HOW I LOVEEEEEE**  
**X Sam.**

Chapter Four


	5. Phil's Past

**Yesh, yesh, updates! WOOT! =D**

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Chapter Five_

_.: Phil's Past :.

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I lied to him.

I closed my eyes and sent him my flashes of my old boyfriend. They were real flashes. Of course, Mark pushed me around and treated me like shit but it didn't matter. I paid him to pretend to be my boyfriend for a while because my parents wanted me to get one and he just laughed at me and told me that he'd treat me anyway he pleased. Mark treated me more of as a pet and a servant than his boyfriend. When people were around, he'd touch my hair and kiss my cheek and then he'd just slam me towards the floor and tug at my hair and then rape me. I didn't matter because I was unconscious half the time. It never mattered when it happened to me anyways.

The memories were as real as I was but they weren't the reason I was cutting myself. That was because of the shadow and the minute that Jeff saw them…one of Mark grabbing onto my green shorts and tearing them off after my parents went away—then he'd knock me out, hitting my head with a bottle of beer and watching the glass fall towards the floor and the liquid along with it. And then I could hear him grunting and panting and he'd hit my body with the bottle again, using the glass to slice it across my skin… and then I remembered him kissing my gashes and cuts, licking off the blood, when they stung…I remember waking up, bloodied and in pain. I remembered him continuously slapping me while I stood there and took the slaps and punches and him hitting me towards the tables and chairs and watching me get hurt. I remembered the pain and misery of him chaining me towards the floor and then knocking me out so I wouldn't scream while he raped me again and again… the images were real, just not the reason…

Jeff was in shock and pain as he kissed my forehead. "Don't worry. Nobody's gonna hurt you like that again! Let's take you home now…" he didn't even ask me if I could get up. He carried me. The cancer patient carrying a what seemed to be suicidal mental freak in Jeff's eyes and he took me away, not caring for the people that were staring at us. At home, he put me on the couch and kissed my forehead again and opened a show for me to watch while he went over to get bandages. He bandaged my cut and told me to go change into a long sleeve shirt if he didn't want my parents to know. After so, I was in his arms, in another time and place…

We could hear Shannon throwing up from upstairs…at three-four in the morning and just as I was about to go upstairs, Jeff warned me, "Shannon hates people watching him puke. He's okay. He's used to it."

I knew he cared for him so I nodded my head and sat beside him. He stroked my hair and made me feel loved and secure. "Just don't go." I whispered. I didn't want the shadow to come at me again, force me to kill myself or suffer before doing so…I didn't want to die. I wanted to live, even though my life was insanely meaningless.

I fell asleep in his arms.

That morning, when I woke up, he was still there, holding me. He stood up and I walked beside him towards the kitchen. He scooped up a bowl of ice cream for me and grinned at me. "I don't know how to cook," Jeff said, pushing the bowl towards me and giving me a spoon.

I took a spoonful and ate it. "You seem to like ice cream a lot, Jeffery, no?"

"Shut up," Jeff laughed, grabbing onto another spoon and joining in with me onto the bowl. I stared at him and he stared back at me, his eyes were laughing and his face was lovely. Then my parents walked in on us, and my Mother was holding up some sort of pills. "Jeff, you need to take this."

"It's hopeless," Jeff said, before taking the pills from her and he took the pills from her before swallowing them.

"We need you to get better, Jeff." My Mother said, sitting down beside me and him, 'you see…we're thinking of permanently bonding you…"

Jeff's eyes widened and he stared at me then back at the woman with a look of shock on his face. "First of all, dying or not, I'm not gonna _marry_ Phil!" he exclaimed. "I'm fourteen, yeah, turning fifteen but still! I'm not marrying Phil! I didn't even finish school!"

I laughed. What else could I have done? "This has to be some sort of joke, right?"

"It's a tradition anyways. We were going to do it but we hoped that Jeff would do it with you since he makes you happy."

I sunk down towards my seat. "Oh God. I will not believe you! _You want me to marry Jeff when he's dying?_"

"No," my Mother told me, holding onto my hand. "I want you to consider marrying Jeff if he gets any better. You two make a beautiful couple and I know that you're gay, Phil but we need to get you married soon enough…female or male and it's either you or Mark, your ex-boyfriend. What ever happened to you two? You were so lovely."

"Mark?" Jeff snapped in. "Fine, if I get any better, I'll marry him."

My heart thudded and I stared at Jeff. He'd do that for me? I was almost in the verge of bursting into tears. I didn't care if I spent my life with Mark and neither should Jeff. Jeff sighed once more. "I…I'll start chemotherapy tomorrow. Okay? I'll call my Doctor and I'll take my pills regularly. Just…not Mark, okay?"

My parents were ecstatic. Jeff was frustrated as my Mother and Father embraced. Well, they were together since they were fifteen and they were only thirty years old. They married young and they were happy but there was just something that twisted at the pit of my stomach every time I think of getting married to anyone at this age. Thirteen? Turning fourteen soon? Dude, this wasn't Romeo and Juliet. If anything Juliet was a thirteen year old slut for sleeping with Romeo…that was all I fucking learned from that story.

Then the phone rang and Jeff stared down at his caller ID. Matt. He shut his phone and looked back at me with the softest smile on his face. "The orange energy is getting worse and worse every time I look at you…"

It was getting more intense, building up minute by minute. I didn't realize it until Jeff pointed it out but he was right. It was building up…quickly. Jeff walked upstairs to see Shannon who looked sick, lying down onto bed and Jeff walked towards him, squeezing his hand and kissing it. Shannon smiled warmly at him. "I miss Matt."

Jeff looked at me, and I knew his thoughts. _At least Matt wasn't Mark_, and then he looked down at Shannon. "It'll be okay, Shanny."

Shannon nodded at Jeff and then stared down at his stomach.

"I think I'm at least four months. I didn't show. That was how long ago that it happened…" Shannon bit down his lower lip. "What are we gonna do about volleyball practice? I have to be there…people are counting on me! I can't back down again!"

I said it again, saved the little blonde. "…I'll cover for you."

"Will you? Oh God, thank you!" Shannon embraced me as tight as he could and laughed softly. "Keep this up and this baby will be named Phil! Not far from when we realize the gender of this baby…I think it'll be another girl but I hope not. I'm done with girls. I wanna see a boy baby come out of me."

"You are an odd thirteen year old."

"Juliet," I laughed to myself and Shannon blushed crimson red before hiding under the yellow sheets and Jeff kissed the top of his head before looking over at me. "Come on, Philly! I wanna watch stupid movies and eat until I puke!"

"Remember to get me food as well…" Shannon flushed. "I'm pregnant, you know! I need my food. I'm feeding two, not one!"

"…of course, we'll go get whatever's left of Phil's ice cream, some chips and… Phil, you don't look so well."

It was my shadow. I was too far away from Jeff, and he took that opportunity to tear my veins into pieces. Punk was destroying me from the inside, making me feel like I was going to choke onto my blood but I stood there, sitting down, laughing over at a concerned Shannon. Shannon held onto my shoulder, squeezing it tightly. "I called the adoption agency and put my baby up for adoption…they'll show me the profiles of the families tomorrow. Phil's Mother is gonna drive me there."

Jeff's face turned pale from the thought of my parents, knowing that he'd have to marry me soon enough and I wanted to tell him that he didn't have to do it but in some selfish way, I didn't want to confess that I paid Mark to be my boyfriend and Jeff blinked, looking at me. "You paid him to be your boyfriend? Why?" Jeff snapped at me. "Did you pay him to hurt you? What?"

"…I paid him to be my boyfriend." I nodded towards him and Shannon was confused, staring at us. "But only because my parents wanted me to get one. They wanted to give me a choice of whose gonna be my groom at the wedding I think…but…he warned me that he'd get to do whatever he wanted with me. Happy? I put myself in danger. I always do."

Jeff held onto my face, 'don't let people do this to you!" Jeff exclaimed. "You're not their toy, Philly…you're more than that!"

Shannon's eyes widened. "He…what kinda stuff did this guy do?"

"Mark Calaway?" I sighed. "He did a lot of stuff I guess…he's about twenty-six or twenty-seven…and I was with him a time ago and he just had my way with me. He raped me a bunch of times. He hit me a lot and he loved it when I was in pain. He loved using toys, knives, wood, and such…I didn't care. I was unconscious during the rape and hey, he didn't hurt me too bad I guess. I was only in the hospital a couple of times each month…not too bad."

Shannon and Jeff's eyes widened.

"That's serious! And he's what? Thirteen? Fourteen years older than you…? God, Phil, don't you see? They're messing you up!" Jeff flailed his arms around and Shannon was still stunned, suddenly appreciating having Matt around, but then a thought struck Shannon and his eyes widened even more.

"_Mark Calaway?"_ Shannon bit down his lower lip. _"He's dating my Mother." _

* * *

**Well, I had to end it there.**

***runs off***

**X Sam.**


	6. Shannon's Night

**Piece of fucking shit. -_- had to upload this AT SCHOOL. Just my luck.**

_

* * *

_

_Chapter Six_

_.: Shannon's Night :._

* * *

"He's dating your Mother?" Jeff repeated, horrified.

I was struck in awe. The man that I had paid to become my boyfriend…was older than me over ten years. I shouldn't be so shocked about it. I bit down at my lower lip. I was thinking of Mark all of a sudden, thinking of the curly black hair that was pulled, the peachiness of his flesh, the darkness beheld into those eyes. I bit down my lower lip as Jeff held onto my hand and I looked at me, glancing with pain bursting from my eyes. How could this happen…? How could it all fall apart in moments?

I watched as Shannon nodded his head, biting his lower lip. "Yeah, I guess he is. But here's the worst part…my Mother called today and she says she's bring her new beau and her over to dinner which means…"

"Oh God," I shook my head, blinking. "I can't stay for dinner then."

Jeff was sitting down in thought and then smirked. "What if me and Phil go out today into the forest because I wanted to show him something then we 'get lost'? So that excuses Phil. It's full proof and if anything, she's gonna blame me…but before the night ends, we head back, you act all fake-horrified so that your Mother would feel guilty about not caring enough? Instantly makes her forget about the wedding as well and focus more about you."

"Jeff…" I blinked, processing all of that in. "First of all, you're an idiot…"

Jeff pouted as Shannon smacked the back of his head, so that a playful smile tugged at Jeff's lips.

"Second of all…let's do it."

You would have called me insane but I was insane in their eyes anyway. I looked over at Shannon, then I just felt it in a bang of horror. I told Jeff to go away for a second and Jeff did, respecting my wishes as he clicked the door shut and I stared at Shannon, biting down my lower lip. "…people think I'm insane. You think I'm insane but you're afraid of giving it out. You're acting so calm, so cool…hiding something underneath that mask of emotionless you wear…"

I turned my head so that black hair spilled over my shoulders and Shannon was staring at me with horror so I knew that I'd won but it was a bitter win. "You didn't mention Mark like you should've. You played the part but you're a bad actor. You're scared of Mark. And Jeff's also a horrible actor, acting like he was shocked instead of horrified. That's why he suggested running away. He got fooled by your act, played and thought you weren't as scared so he just shrugged at you. He thought you could handle him but you're just as scared as he is…"

I bit the inside of my cheek, staring at him. "It's not Matt's baby."

"No," Shannon replied, in full honestly, his voice cracked as if he'd just been exposed naked towards his darker of secrets.

Suddenly, the shadow was whispering to me again. I just realized that it had spent two minutes in me without Jeff in the room, with the power but hadn't done anything until now. Punk whispered darkly, _"the blood-exchange candlelit…spell…you saw last year…you taped it. Just watch it again and apply it to Shannon."_

He would've won then. I would be in pain and turmoil. He stared at me for a moment. "What are you thinking of?" he noticed the hesitation in my face and I noticed the concern in his.

I just laughed softly. "…Shannon, you don't want this baby. You just don't know how to abort it. It's not about adoption. You would kill it in a second because it's not Matt's but since Jeff doesn't know it's not Matt's…you decided to play the adorable little street child that just wants everything to be happy."

Shannon's eyes hardened for a moment and he nodded his head. "Yes. Can you take me to an abortion centre?"

"What if I say I know a spell?" I felt the smirk on my lips. It wasn't mine. Just Punk finding a way to twist my face while Shannon just stared at me in horror and I bit down my lower lip once more, gaining a bit of control in my body.

"You're insane!" Shannon exclaimed, "I don't believe in spells…don't believe in vampires, demons, werewolves, ghosts…whatever…_I don't_." Shannon's voice was hard and solid in the end, with finality.

"_Adorable,"_ Punk whispered into my head_. "Considering you're with me…a shadow…something that isn't normal. Ha."_

I blinked once. I fished the tape out of my backpack and stared around for some sort of television and when I found the thing by the corner, I inserted it into the VCR, blinking once before watching the screen flash to live, and I went towards Shannon. I showed him the spell. How it worked…two females, sitting beside each other, the other one said a few words, holding her hands together. She was brunette. The other was a blonde. The brunette reached for a knife and slid it into her stomach, the candlelight burned softly as the wax fell slowly, the blood fell just as slowly as the wax…the blonde was onto the bed and the brunette was stroking the blonde's stomach. In seconds, the brunette pulled out the knife from her own stomach. With the blood of the brunette onto the knife, the brunette slid the knife into the blonde's stomach, causing a bit of blood to pool out of her but there was no pain into their eyes, just connection.

"They say it's like some sort of happiness kept them together, like during the thing, they were too numbed by their own joy to even begin to think about the entire process." I told Shannon who was still staring in shock as the brunette picked up a doll of the blonde and the blonde had done the same, holding a brunette with pretty chocolate brown curls. They both spoke a bunch of Latin words at the same time and then pressed their lips together and the doll into the hands glowed an beautiful silver color. "To werewolves, silver is a color of death. When the dolls glowed, it's a sign that they were meant to be together and fate was linking them together. That only happens because they're both soul mates. They were feeling the love, the affection, the want…usually, when it's two people who despise each other try to link, it's red. If they get along, it would be purple. And when they're in love, for humans, it glows this beautiful pink color. Any other supernatural creature, vampires, witches, Sirens and so…when they're linked together with a human, it's green and one it's one of their kind it's yellow…it has to glow for the soul to work then they swap the child. It's a spiritual thing, something that said that what's yours is mine and what's mine is yours. As long as you say the right spell because some of them used to do it when they needed organs or to share a feeling between two people, do you understand?"

Shannon's eyes widened. "Eve…and…Trish…are…werewolves?" Shannon gasped. "There are more? Vampires and witches and whatever? They're all real?"

I laughed sweetly at him. "No, Shannon. You see, all supernatural creatures are extinct. Eve and Trish were the last remaining werewolves who were supposed to fall in love with males but instead fell in love with each other. Trish was pregnant; so that they could restart it all, the werewolf colony but Trish had gotten too sick because of the baby…Eve couldn't handle it so she had switched their positions. But Eve couldn't carry the baby for long so the baby died and they died about two years after, both of them trying to get impregnated by men but they couldn't go through with it. That was the one chance they had but Eve doesn't regret taking the pain and burden off Trish. It was love. They couldn't fight it."

Punk had told it all to me once in my sleep, sent me visions and visions of werewolves and vampires and demons and angels—all beautiful and all ended so violently and tragically, just to make me think that all supernatural beings had lives that ended unfairly, painfully yet beautifully. He wanted to make me believe that Jeff would only bring me hurt and this was the way to live. Now away from Jeff, I could feel his presence but weak, and Punk was inflicting pain on my brain, breaking it and shattering it until I felt like taking the gun and blowing it up into pieces.

Shannon just nodded slowly, trying to let the fact sink in. "So you're not crazy…or maybe I'm crazy," Shannon whispered, but instead, I blinked and he was staring at me with some sort of sympathy right now. His green eyes were soft and sweet and then he said it, "so all that talk about your shadow controlling you…was it real?"

I nodded my head, sitting down. "He can control my entire body. He can make me die any minute right now. He's the one who made me shave off my head, he's the one that made me cry and bleed and scream and be dubbed as 'insane'. I call him Punk. He's…evil, malicious and disturbing. I don't know why he hates me so bad but he does. He's always had. He has control over my body but nothing else. He can't get out. He's stuck in me…but Jeff…

"Jeff and I are somehow connected together. I don't think that we're soul mates but whenever I'm around him, there's this sort of like…orange energy that brings us closer and closer and I feel like holding him and kissing him and him being into my pure soul…Punk calls it a bond of love but I don't think love exists for people like me. Jeff is dying and sane…he thinks I'm insane and hopeless. I can see that he pities me because I seem to deny my own insanity."

Shannon blinked and reached in to touch my hand, slowly gripping tightly onto it. "I always thought you loved Jeff. I don't know. It's the way you both looked at each other…I always thought there was some sort of love, something behind what eyes can see…he always called you his little Phillycat—then he'd stop himself and change the subject all together. The nickname just slips past his tongue. He loves you and he's ashamed of loving you—because he does think you're crazy and I'm sorry, Phil."

It all hurt so bad. The words coming out of Shannon's mouth was a wave of pain and hurt, and then I found myself looking back at the door, waiting for Jeff to walk in. I felt his presence be nearer and nearer and all of a sudden, the door clicked open and he walked inside, only to look at me and then kiss Shannon's head for a second, telling him that the pregnancy won't be so bad.

"…Jeff, I want to finish talking to Phil." Shannon said and Jeff nodded, looking in some sort of concern for Shannon's behalf because of my insanity before walking out again and shutting the door behind him and then Shannon said it, '…do it. I want the baby out of me. I can always tell Jeff that the baby died when we went out to the forest today…"

"…it's supposed to be Jeff and I…"

Shannon wrote something on a Post-It and put it onto the bed. I caught a glimpse of it. _Phil wanted to show me something in the forest. Love, Shannon._ This was cunning and evil and I could see Shannon's gaze go from the bright aqua note and to me. "If he reads this, he'll think that you hurt me or something. Jeff really cares about me so I'll say that I ran away in the middle of the forest because I heard you say something insane and I almost fell off a cliff but you caught me before I fell or something. You helped me up and Mark caught us. 'Hurt you' and me…which causes me to lose my baby and for you to gain one. What do you think?"

"…except for the fact that I don't have female-male genes…"

Shannon nodded, 'I know…but there's this theory that if your body thinks it's a girl then you'll work like a girl. As long as you don't take shit like steroids and all…" Shannon shook his head, 'those pretty much mess your hormones up all together. Not good for baby. As long as you keep the baby and keep your body thinking that you're a girl, eat ice cream, watch soaps, cry, kiss guys…then yes, it will proceed to be fooled into thinking that you're a girl and actually keep the baby." Shannon grinned as if he was telling me something revolutionary.

Jeff then walked through the doorway, Shannon hid the note as Jeff held up two outfits. We stared at them, one of them was a bodysuit that Matt would kill him if he'd worn and the other was a tight purple dress. "…which one? Maryse's party got moved to tonight so I'm thinking of taking him to the party instead…which one?"

"The purple one." Shannon grinned. "Keep the bodysuit for Philly."

That tight black thing would barely fit me…but Jeff only grinned and nodded, grabbing onto my hand and shoving me into the bathroom, along with the bodysuit afterwards. Jeff was probably stripping in front of Shannon and gossiping while I tried to put this thing on somehow. It made me feel beautiful though. I'd never felt pretty. I took off my hat only to see a tuft of baby hair growing. Nothing much. Jeff opened the doorway and put a purple wig over my tiny tuft of growing blonde hair. When it all grew back, I was going to re-dye it black. I looked at the mirror. I didn't who in fuck's name I was. I pulled the purple wig off and stared at Jeff who shrugged.

"I like purple." Jeff smiled. "What about orange?"

Orange energy…Jeff and I stared at each other for a moment as he slipped the purple wig out of my head and slipped on a straight, short orange one, slowly taking a strand and twisting it, almost as if he was wishing this was my actual hair. He looked away then and back at Shannon who acted like a klutz and fell onto Jeff, while Jeff fell onto me, our lips connected for a bare second as Jeff fell towards my chest. Jeff's eyes widened as he pulled off, turning his head away but I could almost feel him lick his lips to savor the taste.

"I'm gonna go do my hair."

Jeff left the room.

"We got two hours to leave. Let's go." Shannon teased, grabbing onto my hand and pulling me out of the room to do the dolls for the ceremony. But if we were going to leave, it would be at this time and at this point. It took an hour to do the dolls. They weren't the prettiest thing in the world but it was good enough for one to know that one doll was me and one was Shannon.

After so, he pulled me out of the house and slipped me into the nearest forest he can find. He looked around in his pocket and pulled out a pocket-knife. "I keep it for protection." In seconds, Shannon slipped off t-shirt so I could see bare, tattooed muscle and he unzipped my bodysuit. He was as ready as he could be. I watched him lie down and pulled out some sort of candle from my pocket. It was tiny so we had little time to do it. It was tiny enough to be carried around a pocket. I never knew. Many spells needed candles. I lit it in seconds and said my share of Latin words. Shannon closed his eyes and said his own share as if there was a shadow whispering it to him too. It was weird how he knew it even if he probably didn't know the right Latin words. Then I sliced it into his stomach and silent tears rolled down his cheeks. It was painful…but Trish and Eve must've been stronger. I sliced it into my own stomach and almost gasped into the pain. It was too painful for a pregnant Shannon. Too painful for me and my shadow only doubled the pain one me so it was hard to do the rest and I held onto Shannon's hand. I pulled out the doll I had to make before of Shannon and with a shaky hand, Shannon reached out to pull out his own.

And the words just seemed to slip out of both our mouths at that point and then our lips just inched forward with no hesitation. Every color in the world danced before our eyes and then Shannon just pulled away breathless, in some sort of horror. The dolls glowed green which caused my hearts to thud.

_Green_.

The color of the bonding of two souls.

_Shannon Moore_…was my soul mate. Shannon knew it the same moment I did, his breathing was shallow and our hearts thudded in pure happiness instead of pain and now, the pain was numbed. And he kissed me again, his little arms wrapping around my neck… then I heard the sound of something moving into the forest and that was when both of us stood up, the wounds were suddenly healed, leaving nothing but a scar. I pulled the shirt over him and I zipped the bodysuit and we ran towards Jeff's house.

The moment we stepped into Shannon's room, Jeff walked in. "Ready to go?"

…oh My God…

We'd been gone for around an hour and a half and Jeff hadn't noticed. I heard Shannon crumple the blue paper and throw it into the trash before Jeff nodded towards Shannon and me. "…Shanny, are you going?"

"…yeah. I guess." Shannon responded, slipping out of his clothing in front of Jeff and God, he was gorgeous. He truly was. Maybe he was my soul mate but Jeff was the only one that could numb the pain. I watched as he twirled around and slipped into shorts and oversized jersey that reached below the shorts.

"…Shannon? We're going to a party, not your Mother's house."

Shannon laughed. "Shut the fuck up! I'm pregnant." Or used to be. The effects seemed to wear off Shannon already. His body was full of more energy and happiness than the tiredness he got when he was pregnant. I knew it from Shannon's eyes, that this baby I was now carrying was Mark's. Not Matt's. Just Mark's. "…actually, Jeff…I feel so much better right now…so better than I think that I was just sick…"

"You think you're not pregnant anymore?" Jeff sighed softly. "You know if you leave your damned pregnancy test out for more than fifteen minutes, then it actually does turn positive. Maybe that's what happened. Let's have another one right now. Since you did say you used protection and I trust you…"

Shannon nodded, walking into the bathroom and then walking out with the stick into his hand. Negative. Shannon's face was gleaming with joy and so was Jeff's. "Oh thank God!" Jeff grinned. "Now, come on, let's go get you dressed up into something fancy and lovely. Not this shit that Matt wears to bed."

"Matt…" Shannon blinked and stared straight at me. I knew his thoughts just by looking at him. That he was afraid of dumping Matt for me and he was afraid of hurting Jeff by being together with me. But what other hope was there…? Jeff was dying and I needed my soul mate. I couldn't fight the feeling of wanting him for long. Matt treated him horribly…but then again…how can I take care of Constance as well…? And how can I explain a pregnancy to my parents?

It was all a spur of a moment, to carry Shannon and Mark's baby but now…this…this right now…these sudden questions and thoughts…they were attacking me viciously. I'd done something stupid for Shannon. That just proved we were soul mates since I wouldn't normally do that with a straight head. _"That was the one chance they had but Eve doesn't regret taking the pain and burden off Trish. It was love. They couldn't fight it." _Punk repeated my words, making my heart ache.

I couldn't fight my affection for Shannon but yet again, I couldn't fight off the orange energy off Jeff either. This was confusion. I knew I was emotionally entangled in Jeff…and I knew that being around Shannon made us both ecstatic as well…could I have two soul mates? No, that was impossible…

At the party, I watched Shannon get drunk and Jeff talk to them, not knowing about Shannon's excessive alcohol overdose. I watched someone pinned Shannon towards the wall and fury blazed through me. I didn't get through all of this just to see Shannon get pregnant again. I walked over to the guy and tore him away from Shannon, only to have Shannon laugh as he fell onto me. His lips touched mine into full satisfaction. His shirt was off, and lost and his arms were around me in seconds. He was so drunk. "Jeff…" I was calling out for him.

"Hold on, Mar—" Jeff's eyes widened at the sight in front of him. "Shannon? You're thirteen years old! He's never drunk before in his life!"

Shannon was kissing onto my neck as Jeff pulled him upwards and Shannon pulled Jeff close, only to kiss him. Jeff held Shannon into his arms for a moment, melting into Shannon's kiss before he opened his eyes in confusion. Shannon giggled and ran off. Jeff and I both shared a glance at each other before running after Shannon.

He reached home before us.

"Did anyone see Shannon?"

"…no…" Shannon's Mother, Angeline, chimed in, confused and I found myself barging up into Shannon's guest room with everyone behind me. Only the door and gasping at the sight in front of my eyes. Shannon and Mark, half-naked, both of them kissing like they were no tomorrow and I found myself screaming. "You fucking bastard! Get off of Shannon!"

Shannon looked at him and giggled. "Pregnant Phillycat with Marky's baby!" Shannon screamed out and clapped.

Then…all eyes were on me.

* * *

**Yup~!**

**Drunk Shannon spills all. ;D**

**X Sam. -_- who shall update on other fics later when this shit thing is working...**


	7. Matt's Confession

**Yayyyyyy~!3 :3 Now, we probe deeper ;D**

_Chapter Seven_

_.: Matt's Confession :._

"Hold on…this is all some big misunderstanding!" Jeff said before I could speak up, "Phil can't be pregnant! He just can't! Shannon had female-male hormones and Phil…Phil is different. Besides, Shannon's drunk! He'd just say anything, right?"

"…pregnancy tests don't lie, Jeffy!" Shannon exclaimed and Jeff found him twirling on his heel to prove that he wasn't pregnant. Jeff pulled me down onto the bed and searched for the pregnancy tests that he'd bought just in case Shannon had one of these episodes and pulling out a stick, Jeff turned around and gave it to me, gripping my hand loosely as if just saying 'good luck'. I moved towards the bathroom and peed on the stick.

It was funny how a tiny little white stick can change it all. Jeff told me to wait about five minutes for the results to settle in. Angeline was just staring darkly at her son and Shannon just chortled and laughed, instead of crying and begging for some sort of explanation to why he was drunk. He'd probably do that sober. Shannon slipped off to sleep soon enough and Mark dressed himself back. It wasn't like I haven't seen an inch of his body. I wasn't surprised. Jeff was holding the test and staring at it every five minutes, 'and it's…"

I already knew the answer. I just waited for Jeff to say it and his facial expression changed from stressed and tense to horrified and drenched in fear. "Positive." There was just silence afterwards and I didn't even want to look at my parents. How could I explain that their fourteen year old son was pregnant with a boy for no apparent reason? How could I explain how Shannon knew…?

I found myself screaming anyways. Even if I knew the answer, awakening Shannon up, and Shannon stared at me and grinned. "Marky and Philly and I had a pretty little threesome…oh yes, we did." Now, that was a complete lie but Jeff, now believing the first truth, believed the second lie. Jeff turned around and slapped me in anger, pouncing onto me and punching me right into my stomach. Jeff's fury made me feel nothing but complete and utter guilt even though in truth, I was just trying to take the burden off Shannon…I just didn't want to see him in pain—

Eve and Trish.

It was love between them.

But was there any potential for love between me and Shannon…? Shannon clapped and fell asleep once more and I found myself being hit one last hit by a suddenly tired Jeff. My Father was drunk. My Mother was drunk. Shannon was drunk. They didn't care. Angeline was just screeching in anger. "You little slut!" she screamed over to Shannon, causing his eyes to slowly open.

"I'm sleepy…" Shannon said, blinking but pain overtook his eyes. Even drunk, he felt so bad about this all.

Jeff suddenly just stared at me. "I won't believe you," he said under his breath, grabbing a fistful of my hair and tugging at it. "I just won't fucking believe you! Why'd you get to say to Shannon to get him to bed you and Mark? Did you get him drunk…? Did you get him drunk now? Who in fuck's name do you think you are? I can't believe I felt fucking sorry for your insane little ass."

I could feel tears surfacing but I pushed them back in all the might I could. It was hard. I could feel the heat rush to my face. It all just fell apart in seconds and Jeff stood up, walking towards Shannon and running his fingers through his hair. I just stared at them, with my stomach churning and my head pounding and all painfully burning. I felt the need to throw up.

That night with Jeff wasn't all that pleasant.

He made me sleep in the floor of my own room. He hated me. I could smell it in his breath and hear it in his thoughts and see it in his mind—he hated me with every fiber of my being and it hurt like Hell knowing that Jeff, who was willing to marry me instead of letting Mark do it, hated me more than anything else in the world…

Shannon walked into the room when Jeff was half asleep with a look of shock on his face. "I remembered." Shannon whispered, sitting down beside me and staring deeply into my eyes. "I finally remembered…it wasn't Mark after all. When I was half-naked with Mark, Matt walked in on me and I told Mark to hide. Matt was in a good mood and we fucked instead…I was drunk so I didn't know. That's Matty's baby." Shannon said the last bit with a gasp.

Shannon's hand ran along my stomach. "You're carrying my Matty's baby…" Shannon's eyes blurred with tears.

I knew his thoughts by just seeing the tears. If it was Mark's, then Matt would kill him if he knew but since it was Matt's baby, he didn't mind taking care of it at all. I felt like a human ping-pong. I tried to pounce the problem back away but it came hitting me back with its ball of iniquity, over and over, again and again and if I missed the ball and I forgot the problem, then I lost the game of life. I risked God knew how much when I took the baby away from Shannon and he just winded up being sad again.

I felt like strangling him and asking him 'ARE YOU HAPPY NOW?' but instead, I stroked Shannon's hair and suddenly, it didn't seem to matter anymore. Shannon's adorable little green eyes met mine and I felt our hearts jolt and our lips just connected and everything just…burned with colors. Shannon felt it too because he wrapped his arms around me and pressed his body against mine. Our shirts were off in moments for some reason. I'd never felt so alive and so fine with this…Shannon's arms were around me, holding me and then the phone rang just in the nick of time when we were truly getting back into the mood.

"…hmm?"

"_Where the fuck is he?"_

Matt.

My heart jumped over.

"Who?" I said, my heart pounding as I heard him screech on the other end '_JEFF AND SHANNON! WHAT DID YOU DO TO THEM?' _but I pushed onto a button and allowed it to end the call. Shannon's lips found mine again and he had the biggest grin on his face. "Oh Philly…make me feel again…"

I found myself kissing his neck, biting them with all my might. I would've never had done this so openly with anyone else.

"…_THE FUCK?"_

Matt! Holy shit.

Shannon turned around and hyperventilated. I didn't end the call. I put it on 'speaker' instead. Jeff was still asleep even through it all. I shut the phone and stared back at Jeff then at Shannon. We had to get out of here before Matt came around. Shannon tried shaking Jeff awake.

"…hmm?" Jeff's eyes slowly opened. Shannon had his shirt on then and so had I. "…Jeffy! We need to get out of here! Matt is gonna come!"

Jeff nodded and Shannon and him started dressing into pants. They both had a habit of sleeping with underwear and a tight shirt on and they had gotten me into the habit as well. I just stared at them. I couldn't leave my own house. No, Punk was trying everything into his control to make me stand in place. Shannon and Jeff stared at me, 'you aren't going anywhere, bitch?" Jeff was still ticked at me. I knew it from the tone and the swear word.

"Jeff!" Shannon interjected. "Let's just get out of here."

Shannon grabbed onto the tiny blankets and tried to tie them together to make a rope to get out of the window. When Shannon and Jeff were gone, I heard the knock of the door. My parents were drunk and passed out and I found myself walking downstairs and opening the door only to face a furious Matt. He leaned towards me and I found myself running. He was running after me. Punk took the advantage, sending me a wave and overdose of pain, burning through me so I slowed down and Matt pinned me towards the wall.

I stared into dark, angry brown eyes. "…I hate you. I fucking hate you."

Matt was about to hit my stomach but I shielded it, "I'm pregnant!" I suddenly screeched out, causing Matt to stop.

Matt froze in seconds, as if processing it. Then his entire heart thudded as quick as ever. "…it's mine, isn't it?"

"…yes."

"Holy fuck. How'd you find out?"

I was breathing quickly and staring at him in some sort of confusion. "I drugged you." Matt said with some sort of anger into his voice. "I drugged you because you were cheap and I needed a bit of something…you know? Shannon wouldn't let me fuck him that night. I might not be the sweetest around Shanny but I know better than to rape him. But you…you were nothing. You are nothing. Nobody cares if anything ever happened to you…I didn't know that you can get pregnant too…_fuck_…"

"You fucking bastard…"

Those words didn't come out of my mouth.

Matt and I both turned around to face a furious looking Shannon and Jeff. Shannon crossed his arms together and there was more fury into his eyes than I could ever imagine. "I hate you." Shannon said, anger lacing his every words. "I HATE YOU!"

Matt's eyes widened as Shannon tried to hit him but Matt was more physically built. The throws did look painful but not painful enough for Matt to scream. Matt grabbed onto his wrists, watching tears cascade down Shannon's face in anger and pain. Jeff was standing there in utter disbelief. Matt reached out to touch Shannon but Shannon hit his hand away, tears still cascading as he ran over towards Jeff. Jeff held him and embraced him tightly into seconds, glaring over at Matt.

"…hey-"

Jeff's glare was enough to silence Matt.

"I know there's probably nothing I can say," Matt sighed softly, "but I'm sorry and I know you won't take me back but I'll take care of Constance until you decide to pick her up. She's with Dad right now, Shanny…" Matt licked his lips. There was just pure regret into his eyes.

"I love you both."

Jeff didn't say anything as he watched Matt pass by Shannon and him. Jeff looked over at me and the anger just melted. I didn't need or deserve any hugs or cuddles or anything. I just deserved the pain that was burning through me right now. _"But you…you were nothing. You are nothing. Nobody cares if anything ever happened to you…" _the words hurt like fuck. How can I fathom all of this with that type of pain burning through me…?

Jeff was holding onto Shannon who slipped into sleep in seconds. Jeff was about to put him over at the couch, too tired and too pained to support Shannon all the way upstairs so I grabbed onto Shannon's feet to help Jeff carry him upstairs. Jeff laid Shannon down and kissed his nose then looked over at me, with his heart thudding as quick as ever and the orange energy turned into something of gray, something of pain. But him just staring at me made the pain all the more worth being there…as if I'd rather have myself dying but him liking me even just a bit.

"Come sleep with me." Jeff told me.

He pitied me. I knew he did. I took off my clothing and laid down beside him. His arms wrapped around my waist and my head onto his chest and the scent of him just made the entire world worth seeing right now. I was in complete pain and bliss at once, a hundred emotions raking me and burning me yet it all didn't matter…not as long as I was in Jeff's arms.

That morning, I felt something warm and moist onto my cheek. I opened my eyes only to look at Jeff there, kissing my cheek. The moment he saw me staring, he pulled off but I only wanted him to continue. It felt so good to have him kiss me…to think he'd ever love me.

My Mother walked in on us, and Jeff breathed my scent in and out.

"I'm going to another party tonight," Jeff said, cupping my face. "And I want you to be there. Just you."

He didn't want Shannon to get drunk and he knew I'd never get drunk. I nodded towards him and then my Mother walked in, and told me to get dressed and ready because she wanted me to go somewhere with her. "I need to tell her it's Matt's baby," I whispered to Jeff and Jeff nodded.

I got dressed into pants and a black sweater and my Mother had taken me to a house, where she'd knocked on the door and then my worst nightmare came to life in front of my eyes – Mark.

Mark smirked at me. "See…I'm working onto being a psychologist, baby… how'd you like to be my very first patient?"

"…I want you to be able to connect," she said softly. "He is after all the father of your baby…"

"FUCK YOU!" rage just built up into me. She wanted me to get back together with the man that raped and abused me? I wouldn't dare… "MATT is the Father to my baby, not this bastard!"

I screamed, and kicked as my Mother pulled me away and stared at me before slapping me to my senses. "You…you slept with someone and you didn't even tell me? When did you sleep with this Matt character?"

"…I…um…"

"You cheated, didn't you?"

I couldn't tell her that he drugged me. I bit down my lower lip, and said with anger into my voice, "YES! Fine!" I let out a soft breath and stared into her eyes when she realized something.

"You're ungrateful."

I nodded my head, giving up. I just fucking wanted to go home right now. My anger just got the best of me and I nodded my head once more to confirm as I ran a hand through my stomach. She then told me, "I want you to get married to Jeff before you give birth." Jeff might even be around when I do give birth but I nodded my head anyways.

"He told me his cancer was getting better," she grinned.

My heart burned with joy. That was the best bit of information she'd ever given me. The ride home was silent and I kept on thinking of Jeff, being energetic and happy, not the cancer patient that was dying…whenever I thought of Jeff dead, it always brought me a great deal of pain. I knew there was something with Shannon but I also knew there was something with Jeff. Something strong. Something inevitable and invincible between them both.

Jeff dressed me for the dance in another bodysuit. He told me I just had a figure for it and the wig once more, now black. It made me miss my old hair as Jeff made sure it wouldn't fall anytime soon and he ran his fingers along my bodysuit, zipped up and with a million zippers and sequins. Jeff kissed my bare thigh, making my body jitter with pleasure as Jeff pulled his head away. "Sorry." He mumbled under his breath. "You just have this…figure for it."

"You said that twice."

Jeff nodded and wore his own clothes. Short-shorts, a white shirt and a black vest. His heels were beige and his hat was beige. We were out of the house in moments and the party scene wasn't mine. He kept on making sure I wouldn't leave his sight and when Randy reached in to take me for a dance, Jeff shot him a glare.

"Oh…Jeff has a boyfriend?"

"Fuck off." Jeff gritted his teeth, grabbing onto my hand. "He's just pregnant and I don't want you hurting him."

"But God, Jeff, don't you wanna have a bit of fun with me…?"

"I have cancer."

That shut Randy right up but Jay, who saw me and Jeff, just screamed, "OH LOOK AT THE NEW HIT COUPLE! Jeff Hardy and guess who? PHIL BROOKS!" Jeff didn't care. He just pushed me towards the dance floor, slowly dancing with me to the slow song that was on. Jeff tried not to care for anything else.

Jeff softly smiled, gripping onto me as if I belonged to him. It made me feel special but I wasn't used to this scene. I wasn't used to this clothing. I wasn't used to our shoes because we got entangled in seconds and I fell onto him. He was prepared so he grabbed onto me, our eyes met. It was a moment out of a fairytale novel when he leaned down to kiss me and the entire world just didn't matter anymore. All that mattered was his touch, his love, his want, his need…all he ever wanted. Jeff pulled away from me, only to stare into my eyes and then dove in for another kiss.

"God, you're beautiful." Jeff whispered into my ear.

"Mother says your cancer got better."

Jeff nodded his head. "Come with me."

I followed Jeff into the room and he locked the door behind him. I didn't know whose house this was or what we were doing other than lacing our lips together. I half-expected Matt to call or something to stop it but it didn't. Jeff leaned to unzip my bodysuit when I pulled my head away so that he was kissing my cheek. "I might not live tomorrow, Philly. I need you." And that alone got me to strip for him, so I was naked and he was kissing me.

And as if on cue, the door opened and Randy was standing there with some girl, his eyes widening. "Holy fuck."

I went to put my clothes back on. "Fuck it! Every time I try to get it on with anyone, to actually have fun doing this, something has to happen!" it was anger. It was fury. It was pain. Jeff just wrapped his arms around my waist, and kissed it, causing me to look back at him. I couldn't stay angry at Jeff.

"We'll try another time, Phillycat."

That was fine enough with me.

I just wanted to get home.

The ride home was immensely long and I felt like God didn't want me to get loved by anyone…to fuck Shannon or get fucked by Jeff. Nothing would work unless it was Mark raping me or Matt drugging me and throwing me into his bed. God, why was I so unfortunate…? In bed, into Jeff's arms, all of that didn't matter though. Just his scent and the feel of him beside me.

That morning, I heard a screech and me and Jeff pulled ourselves outside only to stare at pure terror.

On every tree, every pole, every post in the street, there was me and Jeff, Jeff kissing me while I was naked. That picture…how? Randy! Oh my God…my head spun and I felt Punk laugh and I heard every bone in me snap invisibly and I felt so dizzy…then there was just me hitting my head over the cold, marble street floor and my head pounding into every single way before the darkness overtook me.

**What? I did nothing.**

**I was just a bit cruelll ;D**

**X Sam.**


	8. Randy's Reasons

_Chapter Eight_

_.: Randy's Reasons :._

I just felt numb. Everyone knew how my body looked like, everyone thought I was insane, everything was blurred between black and gray and I was in this patch of blackness that kept on repeating and repeating, slowly suffocating into this unwanted world. Why…? I was lying onto my bed, underneath a thick cover, and Jeff was walking around, not even facing me for what felt like years and years, instead was barely an hour. I stood up and felt my back ache. I treaded around in short sweats, and one of Jeff's oversized t-shirt and with messy black hair that have not seen a comb, I finally found my way upstairs. I felt so sick on the inside…

How could I cope with this? I felt so irrelevant, so unwanted, so…hated. _"But you…you were nothing. You are nothing. Nobody cares if anything ever happened to you…"_ If I had cancer, I'm sure nobody would give a damn. Hell, now, pregnant with a baby that I took out of Shannon's hands, nobody really cared. Jeff told me that he was going to a hospital for a checkup and I waited for some sort of kiss, but the atmosphere between us, the orange energy, was burning black, there was just sorrow. The longer I was with him, the worse I felt but I didn't want him to go away – he was the only piece of hope in me.

I just wanted to know why.

Jeff wanted to go back to school and my Mother remembered that I was off school for a while because she was trying to get me to go to that stupid asylum. I followed Jeff out the door, but we kept our distances, the papers were haunting, right in front of my eyes, people snorting and snickering as they passed me by, some even pausing to tell me comments about my own body, making me feel sick. I just wanted to grab onto some of them and choke them, just to leave me alone. School was no different. It was either them grabbing me and asking me if I work for free then laughing at my face, or them being all like _"you're dating Jeff Hardy?"_ Jeff didn't say anything to them about us and I knew that I ruined his social life.

He really didn't care about his social life. He just hated the fact that everyone knew how I looked like and we were sort of together, weren't we? I was just so confused about everything. He hated me and then he pitied me and now he was just away from me, just slipping off my fingers and I wanted to do anything to grip onto him. I passed by Randy today and looked straight into his eyes. "Why?" I was staring at him with pure anger. I just couldn't believe he did this to me…

But then again, why would he respond? I was irrelevant.

Randy pushed me towards a wall and whispered into my ear, with the metal of the lockers banging into my head, 'because nobody feels sorry if I mess around with you. Plus, Jeff was supposed to be mine. Not yours. He was always just mine. My princess." Randy's fingers pushed across my skin. My dry, flaky skin. He noticed it as well as I did, 'is this a symptom of your psychosis?"

"I'm not crazy!" I exclaimed, staring at him with fury. Then I could feel Punk taking over me again, grabbing onto a fork towards a table and my entire body just belonged to him. I was the puppet that was staring as the scene unfolded and I had tackled Randy towards the floor, angrily stabbing his eyeball with a fork. I felt faint. I felt horrified. I could feel my heart racing. It was all Punk – it wasn't me! I could feel tears burn at the corner of my eyes. It just wasn't me… I felt Punk stab Randy, over and over again, with the fork, the veins of his eyeball had been bursting open and there was just a mass of blood trailing. I lifted the fork only to take the very "safe" type of knife, that still cut but wasn't too sharp and I stabbed him into the neck, it was a work of impulse, my heart beating and then Jeff was around, staring at me with such horror.

I wanted to cry. Truly. Jeff grabbed onto my wrists and made me look him into the eyes, hurt burning through every core of his eyes. He wasn't used to me being so… so violent. And now with him around, Punk was slowly sliding but he was trying so hard to keep control. "Phil," his voice was full of fury and I waited for some sort of slap, some sort of punch, but he just sighed and pushed me off, he just didn't want anything to do with me – whether it was of hurting me or loving me.

"Jeff! Please, don't go!"

I thought of the possibilities of Punk injuring me now, he could thrive off me, he could very much kill me. He was full of anger, full of fury, he wanted to ruin me… _"Ruin what's left of you, buttercup."_ He said in that awful voice and suddenly, all the past memories came waving towards me, hitting me like, like a nail into wood, I felt the nail dig in deep, to make this permanent unfilled hole. I didn't want Jeff to leave me. Punk would kill me and he was the only person that could make me feel that type of childlike happiness, when I was with him…he just made me feel like I was flying and now I was falling, falling and falling and I was about to bust my head open and with the fear in my eyes…

_He didn't want me anymore._

I could almost hear Matt's voice turn into Jeff's, _"But you…you were nothing. You are nothing. Nobody cares if anything ever happened to you…" _now that it felt like it was Jeff's instead of Matt's, the pain probed deeper and deeper. And I felt two arms around me. Probably people ready to take me to a mental institution after all they've seen. "Jeff! Please! Come back!"

There was only little hope left in me.

And he was gone.

And they were taking me away. I didn't even flash my eyes to see if they were police or anything, just that I was being hauled away and the only image in my head was Jeff's face, and then Randy's eye bleeding as I punctured it over and over…he won't be able to see with that eye ever again. I disabled Randy…but I didn't for that as much as I cared for that. It hit me like a wave.

I was emotionless.

No wonder nobody liked me…I treated them horridly, didn't I? I felt it all hit me hard, and it made me feel the tears pricking into my eyes all over again and I deserved the tears, I deserved the guilt, I deserved the remorse…I deserved all of it. I deserved this pain. I deserved worse. Suddenly, what Punk can do to me didn't matter as much anymore, because whatever it was, I made up my own mind.

Bad things happen to people who deserve them the most, don't they? I must have deserved this. I must have deserved all of this… I just felt myself fade off into sleep for what felt like hours and I woke up in my own little room and staring across the light I can see a face, holding a book. The light illuminated from this dark room. I pulled myself towards that person, feeling my heart pang in fear as I stared into the soulful eyes. He seemed so sane, so calm, so sweet. "Cody Rhodes," he simply introduced himself, his voice weak. He was wearing an oversized white tank top that reached towards his thighs and really short beige shorts. He put the book down so I can see that it was some sort of romance novel from the over clichés of 'I love you's and 'you're so gorgeous, Annie'.

"Why are you here?" he suddenly asked, snapping me out of my trance.

"Um…I stabbed Randy's eye with a fork, because he put my naked ass all around town. Everyone knows how I look like…err…unclothed. So I went over the top but he made me…and…" see? Me being an ass again. I sat down onto the bed. I'd do anything to help. I promised myself. Anything to help. "And…you? You look so…normal."

Again, I did again.

What did I expect? God, I was so stupid…what did I expect? Fuck me…fuck me… I was swearing at myself over and over again before Cody broke the silence. "I killed my last ten boyfriends because I have an 'imaginary' one called Ted." Cody simply acknowledged and shrugged like it was no big deal.

"Where is he?"

"He's right here!" Cody interjected as if I was insulting the existence of Ted. Punk snickered. _"Ted is a shadow-ghost. A dead, but seen shadow by very few people. Ted is there, he had a boy, he had a family and now he's dead and a shadow…some shadows don't have the ability or the courage to overtake another person's mind and manipulate their body to the shadow's liking." _I felt sudden sympathy for Cody but Ted must be a nice one if Cody would kill for him…or had Ted driven Cody to his own insanity? I wasn't sure. I didn't know Cody well enough.

"Tell me about Ted." I tried to be as sweet as I can.

Cody's eyes enlightened. "Well, look, he's about this high…" he showed me his height and he was quite tall. "And he's blonde and he's adorable and he's blue-eyed and I love him! His family had a lot of money before but he won't tell me a lot about his family and…he's wearing jeans and red top and he's so adorable! I love him to bits! My Teddy! We met when I was at my cousin's funeral. Mmhmm! My cousin, I really didn't know him…and Ted was just there, holding my shoulder, saying that he knew my cousin really well…and then he was holding an umbrella and held it over my head in the pouring rain. We went for a coffee and we hit it off!"

Cody was giggling. I'd never seen a human so happy. I stared at him for a moment. "Did…what color?" I suddenly said, almost as if I was asking nonsense and Cody blinked at me for a moment before grinning.

"You know! You know! Well, it's kinda…green…what's yours?" Cody grinned. "I think green is weaker than most colors but doesn't mean I don't care about Teddy no matter what colors say. It goes from the range of a rainbow. Red is strongest, then orange, then yellow, then green then blue then purple. Purple is kinda weak but…they're still in love. And it also depends on passion, like if you both like violets, then it's purple even if the link is strong! Teddy and I haven't found a perfect common ground yet but the umbrella he was holding was green…anyways, what's yours?"

"Orange." I tried to think of some sort of reason for why it was orange but it just was orange. "I don't know why it's orange. We haven't spent a lot of time together but I suppose it's because he's kinda so passionate about colors…he's so intense, it makes me jitter with…passion. He makes me want to be better…and orange I heard is a color of passion."

"That's so romantic!" Cody hugged me tightly. "Where's Jeff?"

"He doesn't wanna see me again…" I said in dread, looking down at the floor. "And I don't blame him. I'm not much of a prize…I hurt Randy, one of Jeff's friends and…I gave him a reputation and I put him in this position and my parents wanted us to get married and –"

Suddenly the door flung open and there was some sort of nurse standing there, with her white clothing and charts and looking down at me. "The Doctors haven't figured out what you've got yet. Do you have any hallucinations like Cody?"

"He doesn't have hallucinations!" I suddenly blurted out, causing her to arch an eyebrow at me. "Em…Ted is real and Punk is real and Jeff is real as well. Jeff has cancer. Punk, on the other hand, is my shadow. It's real, why can't you see it?" I suddenly blast out. I knew I wasn't supposed to say those words, they'd make me stay in the hospital even more and she stared at me.

"You had a period of psychosis with Randy and have false beliefs…I think you're leaning more to schizoaffective disorder," she sat down beside me and looked at me, then looked back at her clipboard and scribbled some notes. She held up my wrist and put her thumb across and then the middle finger, and saw they overlapped. "You have a small frame…how are your eating behaviors?"

"I eat whatever Punk lets me." I can almost feel him making me say those things but they were true. If Punk didn't want me to eat, I skipped a meal. If he wanted me to starve, he'd bloody do it. He'd done it around six times in the last week and I was so ravenous but he wouldn't let my body move towards the fridge or anywhere that fed me. And then there was the binge-eating he'd made me do. Even when I was full, he overstuffed me so I felt like I was exploding.

"So…does Punk let you starve yourself?"

"Sometimes."

"Binge-eat?"

"Rarely. He likes me starving more. It makes me able to faint later on." Punk was controlling every word, everything, I wouldn't tell this to any other human being. She stared at me with some sort of suspicious and I peered from her clipboard. I was not purposely starving myself! I was about to hit her but Punk resisted the urge. He liked playing this game with me…he liked spilling out all these things, making them look at me as some sort of fucknut that was supposed to stay locked in some sort of asylum for the next fifty years.

"Do you ever think that Punk's going to hurt you?" she finally asked, pushing her glasses to the bridge of her nose.

"All the time. He always hurts me." I rolled off the sleeve of my shirt to show her a scar that was there for years. "I recall that was the time when Punk wanted me to hurt this child but I didn't so I went back home and at 2 AM, he made me stay up all night to carve in the perfect shape."

The shape…was of a broken heart, only my arm. She was going to think 'lunatic that had his heart broken' or something. "Do you have more?" she asked me but I didn't want to show her. I had a ton more, hidden under sleeves, and layers but I didn't want to freak her out. I didn't want her to write 'regularly cuts' because I didn't. I cut whenever Punk told me to, whenever he forced me to. "Do you think that there are hidden messages in common places? Like let's say you always go to the same restaurant or the same bench…you think that there's a reason behind it? Like God is trying to tell you something?"

"…um…the park. I don't really leave my house much but yes, the park," I remembered the episode with me and Jeff and Punk did too, slurring out the words horridly. She wrote 'banned from common places until further notice'. Oh shit. She was going to control my life. What I eat and when I eat it and where I go and when to go and she was going to be there all the time.

Her badge said Tiffany and my heart was bumping. This Tiffany was going to control my life. It made me feel horrid, knowing all of the stuff that Punk will do to me only to keep me here longer. "Your hair," I suddenly remembered my hair. It was messy and my clothes were Jeff's. I didn't even bother wearing my own. My heart panged. Jeff's clothes…this was proof that he existed in my life…I looked down at it. It still smelled like him… "Do you normally brush it?"

"Um… it's barely growing so I see no need to." That was true. "Besides, nobody looked at me. I was nothing." I was repeating the words that were banging into my head all the time. I looked down, 'problems sleeping'…I had no problems sleeping. Punk woke me up around those late night times and forced me to do stuff. I didn't normally do them. I wouldn't have. I sighed. I finally saw the 'hopelessness and sadness' check onto her clipboard. I knew that was true at least.

"Do you have any friends?"

I looked down. And pointed towards Cody. "Him." I simply softly said, and she looked at me before she wrote 'social isolation'. What else could happen? Nobody wanted to hang out with the freak that wanted himself dead. I wanted to scream at her for that but I just stared down, feeling hopeless.

"We'll help you, sweetheart." Tiffany told me and I just stared at her.

"I don't want help. I want to get out of here because you can't help me! You can't!" I snapped at her. "You can't! You just can't! You don't understand it…you think I'm hallucinating but I'm normal! I don't hallucinate! I'm fine! I'm not crazy!" I said it in such a rush I didn't even know it was me anymore.

"Goodnight, Phil…"

"But…"

I looked down at the floor, feeling tears prick at me.

"I miss Jeff…"


	9. Phil's Escape

_Chapter Nine_

_.: Phil's Escape :._

I had been here for around two months right now.

Shannon had already finished one and a half months for me. So right now, I was three and a half months pregnant. Cody could see my stomach growing, and they refused to believe I was pregnant. It felt like a pregnant woman's stomach, hard and rigid member, but nobody believed me. They underfed me, well, they fed me the space for one but I constantly wanted food. Cody sometimes shared with me but I felt guilty eating off his plate but baby was ravenous.

I waited every day for Jeff, with little hope left in me.

I wanted to suddenly grab onto the phone and scream at him for refusing to his nephew/niece and me. But mostly me. "You have a visitor." My heart thudded at that moment but the face I saw wasn't anything I'd like to see. Matt crouched down towards me and grabbed onto my face, staring at me with hatred burning into every core of his eyes. He didn't want to be here but I was carrying his baby…he had to be here. I felt my heart drench in pain. He didn't want me. Nobody wanted me. Nobody cared about me. My throat was clogged.

I hadn't had a visitor for two months. I suddenly wanted to ask Matt about Jeff, they said he had three months to live. One more month…Matt looked down at me, and then slapped me so hard it stung. He stared at me with pure hatred and fury, 'you know what? You may be pregnant with my child but all you deserve to be is dead. Fuck you. You know what you did to Jeff? He won't go out anymore. He's actually in the hospital again and he's lost his spirit. When I showed him one of the drawings he did as a child, he just tore it into pieces. His first ever drawing—that meant the world to him—he tore it up into pieces. What in hell's name did you do to him?"

I did nothing to him. My heart skipped a beat. "Did…does he still like me?" I was still hoping for an answer, something, anything but Matt just stared at me, surveying my eyes and my insane question as he bit down his lower lip. "Does…he…?"

"No. He hates you. He hates me. He hates everything. And it's all because of your selfish needs, you damn bitch. I don't know how you got my Jeff to even think about dating you but ever since you forked Randy's eye, he hasn't been the same. I mean, poor Ran, what in hell's name made you do that? I get you were upset, but shit, you're just crazy! How do you feel about it?" he demanded an honest answer, I knew it from his eyes, rigid and his ears, listening to every word and suddenly, all was silent.

Punk was so happy with what he'd done, what he'd done to ruin my reputation, but I just stared at Matt and shook my head. "I…I felt like I couldn't stop." I didn't add that I really couldn't. "It was just…me being controlled by something other than me, every time I wanted to stop…it just didn't happen…every time I wanted to stop, the picture in front of me just got gorier and I felt like a monster and then my eyes caught Jeff's eyes, so betrayed, so angry…but…so hurt…and I felt like my entire world broke into a million pieces…like it was raining pieces of glass and I looked up and they all cut me, deep, too deep…I was falling… and the fork just seemed to fall off and I felt like I could never love anyone or nobody can love me…like I'm nothing."

"_You are nothing."_

I felt the cold blow hit me. He was right. I wasn't truly expecting him to wrap his arms around me and kiss my forehead, right? It just didn't work that way in real life. There was pain and there was sorrow and there was apathy and the look on Matt's face right now was pure apathy, looking down at me with the detestation that continued to boil through and through me.

Matt looked down at my stomach, slowly sliding off my shirt as if I was a doll instead of a human as he inspected it and then glared at me. "What have you been eating, you anorexic bitch? You're damn well flat. I think you're even skinnier than last time I saw you! You're not really pregnant, are you?"

"No! I am!" I exclaimed, my eyes widening softly.

"You lied to me…who told you about it? About the drugging?" Matt shot towards me. "Because I'm sure you don't get skinnier and skinnier as your pregnancy goes. I'm sure it's the other way around. And if so, you're at least three to four months _and that's not how one looks like when they're three months pregnant_. Shannon had a cute little bump." Matt blinked.

"Shannon…" Matt repeated.

"How's Constance?" I suddenly asked.

He glared at me. "What do you care?" he continued to glare at me for a while before sighing. "She's with Shannon now and he won't even let me touch her anymore. I suppose I do deserve that…he's back home with Frankie, with that babysitting story he continues to make them believe and his Mother would be home soon. My Father knows that Constance is my baby, he just always presumed that I had Constance with a girl…not Shannon, you know? He sees Shannon as this cute little straight boy who just can't seem to get a date. He doesn't know."

"My parents want Jeff to marry me."

And he slapped me again, this time much harder as he looked at my eyes, before scrunching his nose. "You are not touching my Jeff and…making him become yours. Damn you, Philip Brooks but you're not touching my Jeff…you're not going to destroy him and make him into some sort of crazy psycho person. You've done enough damage! Hell, I only came today just to see on my other child but…" he looked down at my stomach again, "the other child just doesn't exist, does it, Phil?"

"It does." I blinked softly.

"Show me." Matt simply said.

I blinked and pulled out one of Shannon's ultrasounds, and gave it towards him. He always made me carry it around just in case. Matt looked down at the picture, then his eyes widened. I thought he finally believed me when he stared back at me. "Shannon is pregnant?"

"Huh? How'd you know—?"

"I read 'patient name' underneath the fucking thing." Matt snapped at me, pointing to the very clear 'Shannon Moore' underneath the picture and my heart jump-started. "And it's about two months ago or something… he's pregnant?"

"No!" I exclaimed. "He isn't…not anymore."

"What the fuck?" he responded. "Shannon would never abort a baby. I know that. What did you do to him? What in fuck's name did you do to him…?"

I blinked and bit down his lower lip as I heard another warm voice towards me. "He did nothing, Matt. He's pregnant, legit. He just listed his name under my profile because he was too shy." Shannon was behind him, holding Constance in one hand who was wrapping her tiny hands around Shannon's blonde hair. "Now leave Phil alone."

"Why are you defending him?"

Shannon shot me a glance then blinked. "…I love him."

That broke me. I knew he was just saying that to make Matt feel bad which just made me feel even worse. I felt like I was a toy to be fooled around. Matt's eyes widened as Shannon shoved him away, still holding tightly onto Constance and there was so much pride sparkling into those eyes. He had no idea how he made me feel, how betrayed I felt… but I just kept my head high. I suppose we were soulmates, according to the green glow that our dolls produced. Matt had left by then, with that flicker of hurt into his eyes as Shannon looked at me, grinning. "Oh sorry." He said, realizing my pain. He gripped onto my hand tightly and smiled warmly. "It'll be okay. Now…"

"Jeff." I whispered.

"Jeff doesn't want to talk to anyone," Shannon whispered. "I think he'll snap out of it eventually. Don't you worry, Phil. He's getting better every day. Today, he even held Constance and cooed to her and we had a fifteen minute conversation. It wasn't so bad. He's coping."

I sighed, nodding my head. I was responsible for all of this…all of this pain, all of this sadness and it seemed to affect me in every single way. And Jeff as well. I felt tired so I had slept, promising Shannon that he can wake me up after he'd fed, changed and washed Constance. It would take about an hour with all of the complaints Shannon was making about how much the place sucked.

In the middle of my dreamless sleep, I felt something reach, a spark, a light.

I'd never dreamed before. Then it just hit me like a blazing inferno, a ripping feeling of pain and desolation and suddenly I can see my Jeff, onto the hospital bed, the pain rippling harder and harder…no, it can't be Jeff's pain. It was unbearable. But then again, his face seemed like he was going through the same amount of pain. The agony which started from my upper stomach had resided towards my back. Pancreatic cancer. Shit. Fuck. Ouch. I was gripping onto the sheets. The pain was just so bad…I felt tears threatening to spill from my eyes. I was more concerned for the child I was carrying. I let out what I heard was a scream but I didn't feel anyone coming to me… I saw that Jeff's face was getting more and more relaxed. _I was taking the pain off him._

I just continued to suffer, but Jeff's face, the relief that flushed through and through, was so peaceful that the pain I was feeling, through rippling and horrid, was almost worth it. I was reaching my hand, I wanted to touch his face but then I felt Shannon shake me as sweat poured off my face. "Are you okay?" Shannon exclaimed, a half-dressed Constance in his hands. Shannon's eyes boiled over with horror and defeat. "Shit…Phil, what in fuck's name happened?"

I didn't even meet his eyes.

But I spilled out the entire story.

From Jeff, to me, to the orange energy, to the ability to see memories, to the ability to see each other right about now – as if we were meant to be inseparable. Shannon just stared at me in disbelief but at the same time, believing every word. Shannon blinked at last. "Jeff had been a little weird around you and he kept saying stuff in front of your Mother that she didn't even know about. Like the fact that Reese Cups make you sick or that you're addicted to cotton candy."

I flushed. "And then he'd back them up by saying that you told him but I could hear everything from your room and downstairs, I didn't hear you both saying anything and when you just gave Jeff an ice cream cup without him even telling you, as if he knew what he was in the mood for…Jeff always switches what flavour he wants almost every time he eats ice cream. I knew straight away that there was something up but all of this…shit…"

"Shannon…" I bit down my lower lip. "I need you to chain me towards the bed."

"You want _what_?" Shannon's eyes widened.

"Put me on a drip. Chain me to the bed for a while. I need to take the pain off Jeff. He's not unhappy because of me. He's unhappy because he's suffering so fucking bad…I can't…I have to…"

"You're fucking crazy." Shannon simply spilled out and I shut my eyes. "But I'll do it anyway."

So in about half an hour, I was chained by my chest and my legs, making sure the chains didn't suffocate my child as he put me onto IV, telling the nurses that this was some sort of recommended activity by his therapist Mother so I wouldn't have an attack. All of them were scared of me anyway so they agreed to it. For what felt like hours, I felt nothing but searing pain, rippling, in my back, on my upper stomach and I had my eyes closed, trying to endure it.

Jeff's face made it so bearable. He was my escape from this harsh reality. He was so…beautiful, so happy, so relieved and that…that was so worth it. The pain was worth it. In that moment, I knew I was completely and utterly in love with Jeffery Nero Hardy. And realizing that just made the pain ten times worse knowing that the next time he'd see my face, he'd probably punch the fucking hell out of me.

I felt so…dead, so away from the world.

It was when Shannon woke me up that startled me. I was hoping to go on like this for a while and when Shannon blinked and told me I was like that for days on end, I just stared at him in shock when he said a week. Seven days. I'd been lying in pure and utter pain for seven days. He took off the chains that held me so forcefully and then cupped my face. "Phil, you're hurting yourself. This could very well put you in a coma. It took me about two hours of screaming at you to wake you up. The Doctor said that your mind is basically getting used to the position it has and it's going to cost you your life if you end up in a coma. It's not that I'm worried about the baby, Phil. A ton of people could birth a baby when they were in a coma but a C-section when you're a coma, it'll be too dangerous for you…I…I can't handle seeing you hurting yourself."

"But Jeff…" I mumbled. He was the only thing I could see, the beautiful blonde/blue hair that was collected around his bandana, my stomach flipped. I needed him so bad…he hated me…he hated me…he hated me… and my heart was already condensing in extreme pain. I looked down at my stomach and saw that there wasn't much change before Shannon reached in to give me a paper and I looked at it. My entire face drained out of colour. "Child…abuse? I'm not abused, Shanny. Why would you—?"

"You're not crazy. All this shit you've been talking about, it's real, the glow, the werewolves thing since Trish and Eve seemed to have mysteriously disappeared, saying that they ran away and when you told me that they were dead, then yeah…I believed you. It seemed logical that they wouldn't tell anyone that they were dying, especially in front of Jeff, whose going through cancer…it makes perfect sense, Phil. You have a shadow but I don't get why you have all these cuts, all these…"

"My shadow, I call him Punk, he controls me. He's like…this drug to my brain; he makes my body do things I'd never ever do. It's been that way since I was a little child so I never questioned it, but it got worse and worse over time…and nobody ever believed me. He's not some sort of hallucination I see…I never really saw him but I can hear him, and he's real. He's as real as shit. If people would stop enough for me, to show you…" I reached into my bag, with a full heart hoping that he'd believe me when I produced him with the papers.

Shannon read off them to me and to Cody, who was now walking towards us in interest. _"In 2004, a sadist 15-year-old boy had been found guilty of murdering five members of his family, including his Mother and his Father. Victims have been found onto the floor, with their stomach cut from side to side, and the organs seemed to have been flattened and tied together into a broken heart, the arrow being the victim's bloods both mixed together. The boy, who had been homeschooled all his life and did not speak to anyone, was called 'Punk', from the mess of letters around his room, where he signed 'Person Untied of the Necrophilia Kind' and had abbreviated it as 'P.U.N.K'. It has been found he'd been involved into the suicide of nineteen girls who had fallen for Punk's fake charms who had later on be told to have fucked their corpses as they started to rot. All of Punk's victims had a white scarf tied around their slit necks. He claimed that he 'loved' seeing how the white turned to red so quickly._

"_Running out of policemen's sight, to this date, he could not be found. But he was told to have a heart-shaped tattoo above his hip, with his P.U.N.K symbol on right on top."_ Shannon blinked. "You have a deranged murder inside of you?"

I nodded my head, lifting my shirt to show Shannon the identical tattoo they had described. Punk had once told me he wanted me to go to jail for something I never even did, he believed me as worthless as everyone else did… I pulled down my shirt and Shannon instantly put his hand onto my shoulder. "So you have a sadist shadow, you have proof, and there's no way you could be three inches shorter than this guy…so I know you're not the actual murder—so that shit that happened between Randy and…oh God. And the cutting? And…whoa. Ever since you were a child?"

"Yup. Punk doesn't grow but I can. I stopped growing height since Punk had the power to control my body. He could make me stop growing, stop eating, stop walking, stop talking…stop listening…he has the kind of power and through and through my life, he'd used them all on me. At 8 years old, I was crippled and suddenly, I was fine. My parents didn't believe me even though I had all this proof and continued to believe me as insane. The Doctors told me that the mind works in wonderful ways, that if I believed I was crippled, I'd be crippled…nobody ever listens to me really so—"I shrugged.

Shannon seemed gobsmacked. "I have to explain this to Jeff."

"Jeff would never believe me."

"Oh yeah?" Shannon didn't even turn around as I peered to see Jeff. Shannon set this entire thing up. Jeff sat down beside me, and looked at me, slowly taking away strands of my hair and looking straight into my eyes. He held my hands tightly, and the orange energy was intensified to a hundred lights that blazed through and through us. "Is he bothering you now?" Jeff asked me, blinking. He believed me.

I shook my head and looked down. "No… he's gone when I'm around you. He thinks it's…love…"

Jeff's hand ran across my cheek and then looked down towards me. Jeff was mumbling to himself in a while then he looked back up at me. "You told me once that I wasn't normal for not being afraid of my own death but I'm too busy worrying about someone else's death to care about my own." He laced his hand with mine to indicate that it was me. It still was me. I felt my stomach lurch in a sense of uneasiness. "I thought you were gonna kill yourself."

"I'd have no control if Punk made me do it." I mumbled softly. "It's…it's…I…I wanna get out of here. I don't wanna be in a fucking mental ward. I'm not mental…I…I'm sorry for Randy. I'm sorry for being me. I promise you, you won't ever see my face again, Jeff and you wouldn't have to worry if I sudden pulled the trigger. I've caused enough trouble. I'll…you might want to give Matt your nephew or niece or whatever to him after I give birth."

Jeff didn't say anything. He looked down at my stomach.

"I know." I could almost hear his thoughts. "They underfeed me. Matt told me I was skinnier than he first saw me and I'll get out of here soon enough. I'll sneak out or something…I don't damn well belong here at all. And you and Shannon know that. I just wish they did too."

"Phil…" Jeff whispered to me then he didn't say anything afterwards, as if he was mute. He just looked back down at my stomach and then nodded off towards me. "You're insane." He suddenly said, bursting into tears.

I knew he was trying hard to understand everything that was going through. "You should stay. Come on, Shannon. Let's go."

Shannon just stared back at me, then at Jeff and held my hand in support for two seconds before leaving me and then there I was. Phil, alone again, not even the closest person believing me and Jeff was saying some things to Shannon and he also seemed convinced at Jeff's point of view. I just wished he could see that I wasn't insane…I was just your average child. If it was Shannon instead of me, Jeff would believe him but it was just me, stupid Phil, who didn't get anything and nobody really liked him. I hated myself for loving Jeff, and I suppose now I had to un-love him but I didn't know how. I spent on what felt like hours replaying the scene over and over in my head. He just thought I was some suicidal bitch who had a hallucination. These things, shadows and werewolves and all, didn't exist in Jeff's world, in Matt's world.

Matt had seldom visited me and only to check on his child. I was irrelevant into everyone's lives. Cody had switched rooms so I was all alone now. Tiffany continued to tell me she was going to help me through my depression, that there was always something to look up, that someone loved me—ha, Tiffany, my parents didn't visit me and one of the peers that were "Suffering" through the same disorder as I was called me insane and told me "to go jump off a bridge". I wasn't even accepted into this insane-made society. Nobody liked me. Nobody cared about me, so Tiffany, shut the fuck up because you go back home to a family who actually loved you. I wasn't even at home, I was locked into this cage that Punk had me in.

Punk was always threatening my baby now; he told me that since he was able to, he would. He knew as well as I do if he threatened my own death, I wouldn't care. That living was harder than anything he could throw at me and death seemed like such a beautiful thing right now. To end the suffering but that would mean ending the life of the child that was growing into me—I somehow kept on the fact that my child would love me…but who the fuck was I joking around with? Nobody cared. My parents finally came only to see my condensing stomach and told the Doctors that they wanted me to go to school so I had to be discharged and they told me I was peaceful and quiet, that I hadn't done anything to dub me as insane.

The world around me seemed so dead when I walked out. The sunshine burned, the blue sky mocked me and the faces of people who were actually living broke me. Alive as I was, I wasn't living. I was as dead as the little gray room I lived in. Going back to school meant going back to people who were normal, I was convinced. I wasn't just insane and I wasn't normal, I was nothing. Just purely nothing. If people called me insane, it should've been a compliment. I felt my stomach tightening and condensing even more when I walked into my room. It just didn't feel like it was mine anymore. I was too used to the little gray room, the hard mattress, the under-eating that this beautiful room seemed so…unreal and surreal. Sitting onto the bed made my heart jolt. I didn't ever take off the cover. I couldn't. It felt like a painting. Before, I didn't even care…

But now, the room was beautiful and I was inferior to it. I would take hours just lying down onto my bed and looking at the ceiling and knowing I didn't deserve something so beautiful when the scars in me were all around, when every cut in my body ensured I was either dead. I needed to take lessons on how to be alive again but it was always the same. My Father hurting me again at his drunken states, and I always made sure he didn't touch my child. I felt like the screams erupting out of my lips weren't mine, the face I see should have been more scared, I wanted to do anything to feel alive. Even the pain didn't make me feel alive. It was this part in my life when you felt dead, you felt like you were dead, and that no amount of pain could make your mind think otherwise. I spent hours on my bed, having Doctors' words reach around my head.

"_If you believe you have cancer, your body will have cancer."_

"_If you believe that Punk is real, then you'd begin to see the person himself."_

"_If you believe then your mind thinks it's true even if it's not."_

I tried so hard to believe I was alive but nothing ever happened to make me feel like I truly was alive. After about a time, I felt myself get worse and worse. I couldn't bear the sight of food, or clothing, or anything really. I just had to wear clothes and I had to eat for me and my child. Ever step I took was pure agony, everything just suffocated me into this never-ending crack of misery and every kiss of the wind was like the touch of a razor to my flesh, ripping it silently and I yearned, I yearned, I yearned for life once more. It seemed like I was never really alive. That I senselessly lived upon this broken world, that I should just die but dying wasn't enough. I had to suffer first, slowly into this emotional turmoil I built for myself.

"_You know what? You may be pregnant with my child but all you deserve to be is dead. Fuck you. You know what you did to Jeff? He won't go out anymore. He's actually in the hospital again and he's lost his spirit. When I showed him one of the drawings he did as a child, he just tore it into pieces. His first ever drawing—that meant the world to him—he tore it up into pieces. What in hell's name did you do to him?"_

He tore his own world into pieces and I was tearing mine right now. I was now the drawing that Jeff had broken into halves and halves. No. That was an insult to the paper. I didn't want it to be compared with something as insignificant as me. Paper had a purpose…people bought paper. People would pay to have me dead and six feet under the ground. I was hated, I was different…I wasn't…I hated myself for being me. I hated myself for being so…controlled. I never really cared before. It was a struggle to get up every day at that point but if I succeeded into going through the day, I felt this pang of happiness that I didn't do anything to hurt anyone…and now, that was all gone. I spent days and days into my bed, not moving at all. My Mother walked in and out of my room, to give me food and tell me to shower but beside all of that, I was in my bed and nobody could pull me out. If my Father came around to hit me, I cooperated, taking off my clothing, making it easy on him to hit me with a studded belt or a knife. I just made sure he didn't touch my belly. I remember once he had actually attempted to cake me with that knife but I pushed him off, and he stabbed the knife deeply into my shoulder. It still seemed so painful to look at but I didn't care. I deserved every cut, every hit, every piece of misery…I didn't deserve to be purely happy.

Shannon didn't visit me. Matt didn't visit me. And neither did Jeff.

Finally, through this heavy weight of misery I was feeling, my stomach felt like it was exploding and I couldn't really sleep without fear of crushing my child, I stood up and walked out of the room. It was around 11 PM when I reached the Hardy household, shaking and trembling, I slowly opened the door, walked inside to where Matt was holding Constance and Gilbert was giving him a talk about meeting the girl who Matt had Constance with. I dropped my bag and a hundred different words were rushing out of my mouth. "Matt-"

Matt just stared at me and then stared my stomach. "You ate." He said in absolute shock.

Well, I wasn't anorexic, Matt. And I didn't want my child dead, as did you think. "Yes," I simply said, even though I had so much more to say and those words just slipped out, and they hurt me and him in every way. "Why didn't you visit me?" I felt my breaths getting shorter and shorter. He remained silent.

"_**WHY DIDN'T YOU VISIT ME?"**_ I screamed out, my eyes looking down at the floor, and I felt myself tremble and I felt his arms around my waist before looking down at my stomach once more then back at my face. He stared at my arms, which resembled a sketchpad, full of bloody scarred doodles, of names and rabbits and cute little hearts and adorable little faces that five year old draw but the fact that they were made of blood and scars and were made by a razor just sickened Matt. I'd never put my cuts on display before like so, my arms were full of them. He grabbed them and looked at them, as if he'd just seen something so horrible in his life. "Let go of me." I whispered.

Tears were sincerely bubbling into my eyes. His eyes looked like it was drenching out of colour. "Let go of me," I said, when he attempted to touch my face to wipe away the tears. I never had someone do it before and I didn't need it now. The simple kind gesture wouldn't take away the years and years of pain and agony and silence and turmoil and loneliness I went through because of him and Jeff. Right about then, the anger mixed in with the pain that rocked through my body, sending my stomach into a lurch and my head into an episode of pounding and hitting. Lovely.

"Don't touch me." I suddenly said, staring at him with the bloodshot eyes I know I have. He ignored my comment, just like everyone else always did and wrapped his hands around my face but I pulled back, hitting the wall with him, both of our eyes meeting and I could almost feel his heartbeat against me. He finally reached my face and wiped away my tears, looking at me as if he'd seen me for the first time.

"I'm pathetic. Leave me alone." I found myself saying, and with every word that fell out of my lips, I felt my entire heart pound in pain at the truthfulness of them. Matt slowly slipped away from me as I slid down towards the floor and curled myself into a ball.

"Should I take you home?" Matt asked me all of a sudden, but I just stared down at the floor. I felt like I've completely lost it. They'd think I was crazier now. Matt lied down beside me, and I looked up to see a sell-shocked Gilbert suddenly making his way towards me and Matt.

"Is…he _pregnant_?" Gilbert asked, almost as if he didn't want to believe it himself.

"Yes." Matt suddenly replied, seeing no reason to lie. "He's probably like Shannon who has female-male genes. It's in his gametes; they're both capable of reproducing when you sleep with them."

"Oh Shannon's the same? Is that why he chooses to be single?"

"He wasn't single." Matt suddenly muttered. "Dad, Constance…Constance is Shannon and mine's baby."

There wasn't anything said afterwards. I could almost hear his thoughts… eighteen year old Matty had sex with a thirteen year old boy who got pregnant. And now…Matt seemed to throw another bit of information at him. "Phil…Phil's also pregnant with my child too. I…I fucking raped him."

That shocked me. The last bit. I was silent for a while then he stood up and looked at me, at the cuts, as if suddenly thinking 'oh, he did this for me…' sort of way. Well, I did most of them for Jeff but there were a good few made just for him, just for what he'd told me, the things he'd told me that rung and rung into my head. "You _raped_ him?" Gilbert repeated, his eyes widening as he helped me up from the floor. "Shit, Matthew…"

"I know, okay? I just…I didn't think he'd remember…I drugged him, pretty strongly."

And there we go. The other reason I was so down in the dumps. The only thing I believed in, my straightedgeness was shattered because of Matthew Moore Hardy, who wanted a quick fuck from someone as worthless as me and he didn't want to hurt Shannon so he had me as a substitute for the night. Gilbert told me to stand up and follow him into a guest room. I dressed into one of Matt's clothing and he told me if I wanted anything, I could have it. Matt, on the other hand, didn't talk to me again and I could hear Father screaming at son while I rolled into the bed. The jersey wasn't long enough to hide the cuts onto my knees and legs. I stared at them and blinked. Had I really damaged myself so bad…?

"Matthew, how –"

Then a voice corrupted into the mix.

"Dad? What's going on?" Jeff's voice.

"It's about me raping Phil…and…getting Shanny pregnant…"

"You told him!"

"Yeah… yeah, I did."

I blinked and slid down towards my pillow and in seconds, their voices were inaudible to me. I was thinking of something else but I could hear Matt explaining the situation and then Jeff walking into the doorway and looking at me. I looked down at the floor while Jeff scooped me up into his arms and looked at me silently, his eyes hardening with every thought that crossed his mind. He stroked my stomach for a while just to see if it was real and then he looked down at my knees and legs, his expression matching Matt's at first then looking back at me. I felt the pain of him but I took it off instantly. I've become quite tolerant of the pain.

Jeff's eyes widened. "How did you…?"

"We're linked together, remember?" I whispered, looking down at the floor.

"So all the time I felt like the pain was gone…you were taking it?" Jeff suddenly exclaimed, his heart beating ten times faster. I could feel his heart beating alongside of mine, both of our hearts racing and then he just looked down into pure guilt into his eyes. It was the look Matt had and I could almost feel Jeff's pain, the pain that I couldn't take away, that he inflicted onto himself. "…you took away my pain after I treated you like absolute shit and threw you away after beating you to pieces and… you took away my pain…" he sounded his thoughts out. "The intolerable pain that made me act like a horrible person…you took it, you're taking it and you still sound like a human being while I…"

Jeff just looked down at my body and then back at the doorway where Matt was standing, listening thoughtfully. Jeff did the next part, quickly, he grabbed onto my face and stared into my eyes before his lips touched mine again and we were dancing again and the orange energy was as strong as shit as orange and purple danced in front of our eyes and we continued to kiss until Jeff pulled apart and looked down at my stomach. "I…I think you should be with Matt."

I shot a glance at Matt who just nodded his head. "Come in my room," Matt bit his lower lip and I followed him into his room. Sleeping right beside Matt Hardy just made me feel emptier; knowing that the person I really wanted beside me was away from me…because of this damned pregnancy…I could almost feel tears choking me again. "I love you…" I whispered to myself.

* * *

**Miss Danielle wanted a chapter.**

**XD. I WROTE IT.**

**:3 **

**X Sam.**


	10. Mark's Arrival

**Okay. Listen to me try to make this out of situation.**

**...see.**

**I lost the fic.**

**I found it in 5 minutes when I actually started looking for it.**

**DONT EAT ME IM LAZY OKAY? XD**

* * *

_Chapter Ten_

_.: Mark's Arrival :._

* * *

I woke up around 6 AM, only because Punk knew I had fallen asleep late that night so I knew for a fact that he forced me to wake up early only so I could lug around sleepily. I hadn't been to school in a while and I didn't think anyone would want me there. Shannon visited by this evening, looking at my stomach and then back at Matt, his expression still blank and the same.

"He's mine." Matt simply said, gesturing his hand to me, as if I was just some collectible rather than a person. Shannon simply glared at him and shook his head. "He has my baby, Shannon!"

"I had your fucking baby too. Phil belongs to me." Shannon responded. I knew his feelings instantly. While Jeff's feelings were much stronger to me than Shannon, the green link we had between us, the thin thread that tied us together for some unknown reason, it was telling me that Shannon only said that he wanted me to spite Matt. I felt so used. I knew Shannon was a good person but Matt had ruined him in every single way… I grabbed onto his eyes only for him to look deeply into my eyes and he gasped softly. "Phil, your eyes are yellow."

"Yellow…?" I dipped my head into the mirror and saw the whiteness of my eyes, they seemed to be yellow at that moment. I just blinked a few times just to check if it was real or not.

"What the fuck?" Matt snapped, 'are you always so damn sick?"

I felt lightheaded. I always did. My flesh had a feverish tone to it, but this might just be Punk messing around with me. I turned around to look at Matt who simply ran his finger over my face, "he's just feverish. It's fine, Shan."

"His eyes are yellow for fuck's sake!"

I looked back at the mirror and blinked for a few more times, still waiting for it to magically disappear. But in the end, Shannon and Gilbert dragged me and Matt to the hospital, worried about what this might mean for the child. Matt went to check on Jeff, some fucking boyfriend, and I was standing for what felt like hours. The tests felt like they took hours. They were talking to Gilbert and suddenly, my parents were around, sober and sensual, worried and talking to Matt and Gilbert, who straightened it out, leaving out the part that I was actually raped by Matt.

Just as I was relaxing into my position, prickles of pain ran against my side and a pound in my head of memory as a certain person walked through the double doors. With his black hair tied back, Mark looked down at me with a hint of a smirk in his lips as he stroked my face with his finger. "Hello, Philly…"

"You deal with mental-"

Mark shook his head. "I know, Phil. I know. I just wanted to see if my beautiful little Philly wanted a little help…"

"He's mine, Calaway." Matt snapped at him, looking back down at me but he only said this because I had his baby. He only said this because of the soon to be born piece of flesh and blood that might be tampered with by Punk. Mark just looked down at me as I stared at him, his fingers entwining into my hair as he leaned down to kiss me but I pulled off. Matt just launched towards Mark, battling him with his fists but Mark dodged him for a moment easily, grabbing Matt by his flying ankle and throwing him across the room as if he was a piece of insignificant paper. I knew Mark was strong but that strong? Mark flew towards the crash cart, hitting it and it was running at such a high speed from the impact, hitting me almost instantly afterwards. Knocked down onto the floor with various things have hit my body and my –

"_**MY BABY!" **_

Matt turned around to look at me, looking down at where a scalpel went through my stomach. I pulled it off, staring at the blood and staring back at Matt. I felt my head spin, I felt the taste, the scent, the anger boiling up in me… Matt reached in for help but I slapped his hand away, staring at him angrily. "My baby…my baby…my baby…" not dead, please, not _dead_.

Mark just smirked while Shannon and Matt paled over. I stared down at the horror scene again, flashing before me once more. I didn't know what happened next, just a blur of thought and disorganization. They rushed me into a room and stitched me, checking an ultrasound for the condition of my child and one of the Doctors then stroked my hair and told me I had PSC, _Primary sclerosing cholangitis__, which in what they said was a rare liver disorder and that I might need a transplant soon. They gave me some meds which they were sure wouldn't affect my pregnancy – but I was sure, I was keeping him or her, even if it meant that I'd die, at least he or she will live. I want baby to live…it was the only good thing I could ever accomplish. _

_In the middle of the night, I felt a hand onto my cheek and looked to see Jeff standing there. My heart skipped a thousand beats, and I felt butterflies dance with my child. Jeff sat down and looked at my stomach, seeing the stitches then sighed. "You have PSC…the Doctor told me…if you need a liver…"_

_"If I need a liver, Jeff, then…" I sighed softly. "Then I'd just have to wait until the baby's born before…"_

_Jeff just stared at me blankly. "They don't know how long until the disease basically raptures your liver, Phil. If you get hurt…"_

_"I'm sorry." I whispered softly towards him, kissing his cheek and then lying my head onto his shoulder, his hand onto my back as he rocked me back and forth. "Your shadow…he…he's a criminal?" Jeff asked, blinking. I can see he had barely any interest. He just wanted to talk to me about something._

_"Yes." I responded, looking down at the floor. "I'm not crazy, Jeff…this whole thing…it's out of control. Like you said…the orange energy, you thought I was doing something…it's part of this. I'm not human, Jeff. I'm not even any supernatural being. I'm just…nothing of this reality. I might look human but my shadow, that's what controls me and when you're around, he's gone…it makes me feel happy to be able to reach for a knife and not worry my shadow was gonna go sadistic and make me cut my wrist." _

Jeff flinched at the thought and then held my hands tightly, binding our fingers and entwining them together. "Fine, let me feel his presence then, I think I'd be able to do that…" Jeff said, wanting to believe me but unable to, and I held our hands as tightly as possible before showing him my entire past into a whirlwind of pain and horror, a tornado of macabre twisting in itself, shown in front of him, something so…

Just indescribable.

_Eight years old and barely making it to thirty-five pounds, I sit down onto the chairs, feeling my chest heave from the malnutrition that Punk had given me at that time. I shook my head and stood up again, barely able to walk to my room, feeling nothing but tiredness, emptiness and hunger. I was so fucking hungry but Punk wouldn't let my hands pick up the food that I've tried so painfully to pick up. I lied down across my bed, looking up at the ceiling, feeling my throat clog into painfulness and I closed my eyes, in hopes of a dream. I'd slept all the time at that age, sleeping from 7 PM and waking up at 11 PM the next day and taking a casual nap between 2 and 3 PM and waking up at 4 or 5. I'd spent most of my life sleeping as a child, the current sweeping me away into nothing but mere nightmares that Punk fed me. I tried so hard to fight back but my strength was weak and I was weaker, with my bones being fragile from lack of milk, and my flesh being cracked from lack of nutrition. I remember that Adam only had to twist my wrist once to break the bone underneath it. _

_But he didn't know that and nobody did. I still had to write with the pain emitting through and through my body. I couldn't have told my parents, what would they have thought? That I had some sort of eating disorder? Beyond the scale, the twenty rolls of bandages I'd kept hiding under my bed were there, where I'd used five entire roll just to wrap around my ribcage, legs and arms, just to try and make myself look more fuller, than I piled on so many clothes. I remember that I used to put on at least three or four long-sleeve shirts and then wear a sweater on top of them, and as for my legs, I wore a bunch of shorts before wearing jeans that were suited for my age. I felt so crushed, piling on so much…walking through the school hallways was a different reason, I felt buried, felt hidden underneath so much clothing and choking onto hot, humid air. Whenever someone would touch my face, it would be drenched with sweat. It came to a point where I had to use an inhaler to breathe sometimes because of the humidity that choked me endlessly. _I knew Jeff felt whatever I'd felt and the memory just brought back dread.

_Then there was Jeff, who was giggling enthusiastically to someone else's words, looking straight at me. At that time, Jeff was so crushed by peer pressure, at nine years old alone and I could smell the alcohol on his breath. Nine years old and I just knew instantly he was hacking into his brother's liquor cabinet. He was lost into dots of ecstasy I suppose, I didn't know but walking past him, he'd grabbed onto a crushed wrist and then pushed me backwards. To others, hitting metal would be painful, yes, but you could get over it. But underneath the piles of thick clothing, my thin bone and thinner flesh felt the metal scrape against it in an explosion of pain. "Get over it," I hear Jeff mumble at the facial expression of my pain._

_I nodded, still sweating badly as I blinked and looked at him, offering a smile. Jeff just held onto my shoulders and pushed me deeper into the locker, his leg suddenly brushing against mine and his eyes warning me darkly. "I don't like you." I nodded, knowingly, looking down at the floor. I thought Jeff was about to let me go but instead, he hit me as hard as his tiny nine year old fist can and remembering the times that he'd spent with Matt, trying to "train" him for arm wrestling with Adam, and the impact of the punch was unbearable. I cringed and looked down at the floor, my pool of blonde hair dyed black, Punk had made me dye it at a young age and for so, my parents had gotten furious at me, in front of my face and before I could react, he grabbed onto a thick strand of hair and pulled it off. Having have dyed it just recently, the hair was fragile and came off into his hand. In the space of the hair, was just flesh. I looked down at the floor, blinking repeatedly in horror. "Jeff…"_

"_**It's an improvement."**__ Punk snapped at me, causing me to shake in terror. _

_Jeff was gone by then but the school day wasn't easier with people ridiculed me because of my hair. Whenever I looked back at Jeff, he was just smirking at me. I sat in my usual corner since nobody wanted to be near me, sighing and looking down at the sheet of paper. Punk had given me a headache and screaming at me different answers, while I wrote against the paper, feeling myself unable to concentrate at all. Sometimes, I'd scream "Stop!" in the middle because of the frustration, causing people to look at me, the mental patient that had a hundred different mental disorders. I looked at the window, the glass mockingly reflecting sad olive eyes and ruined dyed black hair. I looked back at the paper and just shoved in my answers, causing the teacher to "tsk" at me, as normal, shaking her head and passing through._

_I walked off towards lunch, where of course Punk would refrain me from eating so I just sat in a corner, looking at people who would pass by looking at me as if thinking "he wants to get thinner?" I'd give anything to eat. And just as if it wasn't bad enough, Jeff, Matt and Adam walked towards us. Adam grabbed onto the wrist he'd broken and pulled my hand towards him to look at my hand. "Fucking thin hand."_

_I pulled it off, looking down at the floor with a soft smile on my face. Even if they hated me, at least they were people sitting with me. Matt just flipped through pages of his book and then smirked. _

"_You know, I heard that anorexics got aggressive went they were fed…" Matt just slammed his book shut and just as I was about to leave, Adam's abusive arms were around me in seconds._

_For a normal person who didn't weigh too little, this grip was crushing. For me, it was like my lungs were dying and I was suddenly rasping for breath. I wanted my inhaler…I wanted to breathe. I could see black dots in front of my eyes but I pushed it away, seeing as Adam placed me onto the table, gripping onto me even tighter now as Matt suddenly returned with a huge pile of food. Normally I'd be happy but they were going to shove the food down my throat, I felt the dizziness overwhelm me as Matt grabbed onto an apple, biting it and then spitting the piece into his hand. It was huge enough, around three or four centimeters across and he shoved it down my throat. I could almost feel it going back up because of Adam's crushing arms but I forced it down, it was like acid to me right about now. The lack of food just went against me, this itty bit of food made me feel full instantly but Matt continued to spit and shove in pieces of the apple into my throat while Jeff just walked, enjoying my pain with taunting eyes._

_After the apple he'd gotten a cupcake and shoved it fully down my throat, I could instantly feel it pushing back but even with the vomit-taste and the cupcake taste right about now, I pushed it back, the feel of the acid burning against my lungs was higher and higher and the black dots were more and more by the seconds as Matt continued to shove the cupcakes. I tried so hard not to hyperventilate but it was so hard, to pretend that I didn't have any breathing problems because I was underweight. After so many cupcakes and a celery stick, Adam finally let me go and now that he stopped gripping. I ran off, hearing them laughing at me because I was so touchy about the food. I stopped towards one of the bathroom stalls, finally collapsing into hyperventilation and I threw up as hard as I could have against the tiles, holding my hands onto the toilet and I continued to vomit for a few several minutes before allowing my face to fall back into the mixture of acid, cupcakes and the apple around me. I lied in there to what felt like hours, hyperventilating but I couldn't move. I felt myself so weightless and so made of air. I turned to look into my pockets but I'd left my inhaler in my locker. It was such a struggle to get up but I finally managed to, with the vomit sticking to my hair, I found myself moving mechanically towards the locker and then taking a drag out of my inhaler, followed by another one. I went back to the bathroom to finally wash bits of my hair, while someone told me that I had to mop up "your fucking bulimic mess"._

_I just blinked at the man and took the mop from him, scrubbing down the tiles with the scent lingering into my head. By the time I finished, I stood up and walked towards my last class, which I was 20 minutes late for. I got a shouting, as usual, and walked towards my seat at the end of the class, sinking and burning in silence. She called me a thousand words that hurt my heart, since I had no control over what happened. I had no control of anything. After the bell rung, I was met by Matt in the parking lot, who simply grabbed onto my hand and pulled me towards the playground and towards the end, nobody was there as he'd slowly put me horizontally on a swing, my stomach onto its base and he twisted me across it. The cold metal digging into me, hurting me in every way but I looked down at him, questioning. "You got my Jeffy to drink alcohol, didn't you?" he twisted me even deeper into a knot. "He told me you."_

_It was Adam, I knew that much but I didn't say anything. I just stared at him. I couldn't say anything. I was crushed under thick metal. I was just so out of breath as he finally un-twisted the metal and caused me to fall from the height towards the sandy ground. He grabbed onto my shirt and threw it off. Quizzically staring at the other layer of clothing I had on. "What in hell's name?" He stripped off four layers of clothing only to be met with my layers of bandages. "What in fuck's name is all this?"_

_He tore them off as viciously as he can, until he'd seen the thin layer of skin I had around me, my ribcage showing and his eyes finally meeting the innerness of me, the skinniness I tried so hard to hide. "You're sick."_

_He simply spat at me, causing my heart to jump start from pain as he pushed a boot into my stomach, causing me to sit upright at the jolt of pain. Underneath all the layers of clothing, it was hot, but now, I was freezing. The cold air finally meeting real flesh and the suffocation of such a cold world…Matt left me in seconds. I looked at all the torn shirts and bandages. I had to walk like so through and through the day. The bus driver stopped to stare at me as I got in the back of the bus. Matt, Jeff and Adam were riding into Chris's car, Jeff checking through Adam's phone and grinning. I looked away from the window but there was nowhere to look at. I was humiliated and it was raining by the time I got off, the coldness got worse as I got inside of the house. My drunken Father walking towards me and staring down at me, pushing me aside and then walking out…_

_I bathed and wore some clothing and just as I was about to sit down, Punk made me go and eat, even though I felt like eating nothing. Grabbing a patch of cupcakes from the counter, my Mother stared at me quizzically, still a little ditzy from alcohol and the aftermath of her fun with my Father, which usually put her in some sort of tired and uncaring trance. She told me to not make a mess as I grabbed onto about twenty cupcakes and Punk shoved them all down my throat. By the twentieth once, I sprinted towards the bathroom upstairs and threw up again, shakily locking the door and looking down at the second mess I've made that day. "Pretty, hmm?" Punk mumbled to me…I just trembled in place, feeling nothing but the sadness burning into me as I curled up towards the tiles, staying there for what felt like years._

Jeff flinched away, looking at me as if he was just now figuring me out. "I did that to you…? I didn't remember… I was drunk…I knew you were thin but…_that_ thin? Plus, what the fuck? The bruises on your body…"

I looked down at the floor. "It's okay. Being underweight made me bruise easily."

Jeff just stared down at the floor, looking across every mental disorder I was diagnosed for…and biting down his lower lip. "Can I look…more? Please? I wanna know you, Phil. I know it's gonna be hard to look through…what I used to be…but…can I hold your hands and you show me again?"

I nodded my hand, grabbing onto his hands again and let my childhood pain over wash us again.

* * *

**Oops~! **

**;) I see there was some accidental angst added in there...**

**...Okay. It was on purpose. Sue me.**

**NOW FEED ME **

**(with reviews)**

**I wouldn't mind a five-star three-course dinner either way.  
**

**xx Sam.**


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